MarryTom.com
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : Issue 1, Vol. I
It's
A Miracle
Tom Arnold, star of such
films as The Stupids and True Lies
recently started a web site with the hopes of
finding Miss Right. You see, he's been divorced
twice, approaching middle-age, and is as ugly as
a leper's ass, so he needs a wife quick. Now, any
person would see this site as a pathetic attempt
by a Hollywood loser to get himself some action
before the pre-nuptials wear out their welcome.
But...might it actually work?? In a recent
interview on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, he
said that he had received 500,000 responses. In
addition, the site has been featured on David
Letterman, USA Today, and the Today Show. So,
what the hell is so appealing about Arnold and
his site?
The Sell
When you enter
the site, the splash page greets you with a
picture of Tom and two quotes from, I assume,
real-life women. One has a come hither tone to it:
"I want to know all about you...give me all
your secret details!" The other quote,
meanwhile, has a lighter tone: "Tom, I am
the bride of your dreams." After reading
those, who wouldn't want to marry him??
Luring You
In
After
intriguing you a little bit, you're forced to
click on the "What is This" link. After
doing so, the surfer is treated to a
straightforward list of requirements in order to
become The One for Tom. So, if you're not an
"adult single woman of child bearing age,
good with children, willing to locate, has goals,
and self-confident enough to ear a bathing suit
on vacation" then get out. To translate:
"You have to be my eternal byatch for life,
AND you have to be hot."
And you have to
have goals. Oh yeah, did I mention you had to
send in a picture?
Let Him Do
the Talking
After clicking
on the "About Me" link, the reader
takes a portal to Tom Arnold's amazingly fucked
up life. Lemme quote from the web site and his
hilariously screwed up life can speak for itself..."I
was born March 6, 1959 in Ottumwa, Iowa. I'm the
oldest of seven kids. My parents divorced when I
was 4 and were raised by my father until he
married the next door neighbor when I was 10. My
alcoholic mother passed away when she was 50
after being married 7 times." Plus, he
mentions that he's been divorced twice...though
doesn't mention that he was married to the Human
Planet, Roseanne.
His adult life as
I said is pretty screwed up. He moved to Los
Angeles to be a sitcom writer, eventually working
for four crappy shows: Roseanne, The Jackie
Thomas Show, The Tom Show, and Tom (in the last
three Tom was the star).
Hits and
Misses
Guess what? He
says he's got lots of positives: he's been sober
for 10 years and considers himself "loyal,
fun-loving, compassionate, and generous."
Unfortunately, he says "I eat too much,
occasionally smoke cigars, have ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder...no wonder he
didn't mention 'good listener' as one of his good
traits), I have a low sperm count (we should
still have kids in-vitro), I can be too sensitive,
and my job requires travel. Plus I'm famous *ahem*,
twice divorced actor."
I Now Name
You...
Sorry ladies,
the laws of averages doesn't favor you marrying
Tommy boy here. Oh yeah, and he's met some girl
in Hawaii or something...tough luck, I guess. But,
one thing is for sure...it's another Sign of the
Apocalypse.
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