Survive
a Chat Room
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : 07.31.01
A/S/L?
Having been connected to the internet for a few years
now, I can admit that I've been into my share of chat
rooms. For the most part, I go into chat rooms
for kicks: typing in stupid comments and having every
single loser in the chat room retaliate with equally
stupid comments is pretty amusing.
Chat
rooms are normally populated by desperate losers who
go to these rooms in order to meet people. To
meet people?? On the internet? That's
crazy.
It's
easy to recognize the archetypal chat room characters:
there's the 14 year old girl, who is looking to have
cyber sex with someone at the other line; there's the
old pervert, who is looking for that 14 year
old girl; there's the hardass, the guy who hates chat
rooms, but goes to them anyway (and he also
calls everyone a "fag"); there's the
abbreviator, the one who chats incoherently by using
words with a maximum of 3 letters; there's the nerd,
who is in the room very waking hour of the day;
there's the moderator, the supreme ruler of the chat
room who lords over his small domain; finally, there's
the suicidal kid, who always acts dark and gloomy and
is just waiting to die.
Let's
meet this motley crew in greater detail. I'll
teach you how to identify these creatures.
 The
14 Year Old Girl
Description:
This one goes to chat rooms specifically to meet
and talk with people. She's looking for friends
in here because they have none in the real
world. She'll be the first to type in
"A/S/L" or "Press a Number if you want
to chat with a hot girl!" She's probably
fat, lonely, and boring, but describes herself as
"A hot blond with blue eyes and big tits! LOL!"
Sample
IM:
You:
Hey, did you see that URL I sent?
14
Yr. Old Girl: OMG! A/S/L? I'm 17/F/Cali!!!! My
stats are 36-24-38!!
You:
Um...
14
Yr. Old Girl: You
want to have cyber sex???
You:
No.
14
Yr. Old Girl: I'm hot and sexy! Me! Sex! Yeah!
Good! Boob!
You:
What's wrong with you?
 The
Old Pervert
Description:
This guy
usually poses as a young teenage girl looking for a
pen pal. They're pretty hard to spot since
everyone pretends to be something else in these chat
rooms. Once you start to talk to them, though,
it gets pretty uncomfortable. They sometimes
link porn sites during the conversation.
Sample
IM:
You:
Hey, did you see that URL I sent?
Old
Pervert: Hi!
I'm a 13 year old girl from Florida and I'm looking
for a pen pal!
You:
Right, but did you get that URL?
Old
Pervert: LOL!
Hey, can you tell me about your little friends and how
you sometimes shower together?
You:
What??
Old
Pervert: Do
you have a favorite pair of underwear? Can you
describe it?? LOL! I'm 13
You:
Yeah, sure you are...
Old
Pervert: Do
you want to enlarge your penis size by 3 to 4 inches!
Go to this web site!
You:
Ok, that's
enough.
 The
Hardass
Description:
This guy loves going into chat rooms. He always
pretends like he hates it though. He goes to
chat rooms solely to call everyone "gay" or
"loser." In real life, he is a skinny
little kid who spends most of his time beating up
younger people for fun. He is also secretly
gay.
Sample
IM:
You:
Hey, did you see that URL I sent?
The
Hardass: FAGGOT!
You:
What's your problem, buddy?
The
Hardass: Shut
up queer! I'll fuck you up so bad
You:
Before or after you stop beating it to pictures of
Richard Simmons?
The
Hardass: Shut
up... you potato crap face.
You:
Yeah, good comeback. Did
you think of that or did your mommy help?
The
Hardass: FAGGOT!
 The
Abbreviator
Description:
This character hates typing in words longer than 4
letters. He has come up with abbreviations for
everything you could possibly imagine.
Unfortunately, he's the only one who understands
it. It's nearly impossible to have a
conversation with this person.
Sample
IM:
You:
Hey, did you see that URL I sent?
The
Abbreviator: LOL!
UR FUN-E
You:
Huh? It was a story about the Ebola virus.
The
Abbreviator: LMAO!!! juksd brb q7
You:
What? I don't understand
The
Abbreviator: GR8 si r5 nsaldfh!?!
You:
You're an
idiot.
The
Abbreviator: qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm":"!?
:-)
 The
Nerd
Description:
This loser spends every waking hour of the day
stuck to his computer and talking in chat rooms.
If you IM him, he'll likely talk about Dungeons and
Dragons, his Pokemon card collection, the new Nintendo
64 RPG he finished, WCW, why Captain Kirk is better
than Captain Picard (or vice versa), and random
trivia. Even if you stop talking to him
completely, he will continue to IM you forever.
Sample
IM:
You:
Hey, did you see that URL I sent?
The
Nerd: Yes. I thought, however, that the
navigation was lacking in usability and
innovation. My score: a C+
You:
Okay... what did you think of the article?
The
Nerd: Terrible.
Worse than a Newsweek or New York Times article.
It failed to have any brevity.
The
Nerd: Speaking
of brevity, I finished a duel with a fellow Dungeons
and Dragons player in less than 14 days! Quite
amazing.
The
Nerd: I like
Captain Kirk better. He had a gung-ho, take
charge attitude about him that commanded
respect. Picard is good, but not great.
The
Nerd: Did you
see Ms. Hancock? She is a fine young philly, is she
not?
The
Nerd: Did you
know that John Adams lived the longest out of any
president before Ronald Reagan?
The
Nerd: Hello?
The
Nerd: Anyone
there??
 The
Moderator
Description:
This person (usually a teenager) has worked his
way up the ranks to become the supreme ruler of the
chat room. They often think of themselves as
Gods, kicking out anyone they want to from their
little world. In real life, they work at a
deli. As the janitor. Uh, no, the custodial
engineer.
Sample
IM:
You:
Hey, did you see that URL I sent?
Moderator:
Posting URLs violate the Terms of Use. You will
be kicked off.
You:
What? No!
Moderator:
Be gone. Leave now or I will have a virus sent
to your computer.
You:
You're a jackass.
Moderator:
There is no cursing in this room, motherfucker.
 The
Suicidal Kid
Description:
The suicidal
kid always acts normally, but when you IM him, they
get all weird. Their gloomy nature comes through
immediately; when you ask them what the matter is,
however, they revert back to normalcy. In real
life, they have absolutely nothing wrong with
them. They're just faking it to get sympathy
from strangers.
Sample
IM:
You:
Hey, did you see that URL I sent?
Suicidal
Kid:
Yeah.
You:
What did you think?
Suicidal
Kid:
It was nice.
Suicidal
Kid:
Kill me. Please.
You:
What?
Suicidal
Kid:
Nothing, nothing. Make me bleed!
You:
What's wrong.
Suicidal
Kid:
Like I said, nothing. I want to die.
You:
You need to get some help dude.
Suicidal
Kid:
No I don't. Shoot me now.
You:
Um...
Don't
go into chat rooms!
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