Worst.
Movie. Ever.
By The
Renegade Monkey Nuns Staff - 04.22.02
Movies
are fun! But, not these movies...
Sometimes
you've got to wonder why some movies are even
released. Some are released because there's a big star
in it or there is a growing niche audience out there.
Other movies are released for less admirable reasons.
Below are our writers' choices for the most egregiously
bad films we've ever seen.
 Randall
Graves - Staff Writer
5.
Bones
Director:
Ernest Dickerson
Starring:
Snoop to the D-iz-ogg, yo yo, knowwhatimean, son? West
siiiide!!
Why
did I pay money for this movie? The things I do for my
girlfriend. (sigh) The plot is dumb: Snoop is a
gangsta in the 70's who cares about the people he is
stealing from. However, he refuses to let crack enter
da 'hood, and is killed for it. Stop and think about
that for a second. Head hurt yet? Anyway, he comes
back 25 years later and kills the people who killed
him. When this begins, the movie for some reason turns
into a comedy for a while, then goes back to bad
horror film. Ending was predictable, and overall, just
not good.
4.
Jurassic Park 3
Director:
Joe Johnston
Starring:
The cast of the first one and Tea Leoni
A
really bad sequel. Seeing it made me sad. First of
all, most of it is just a rehash of the first movie.
Second, parts of the plot just border on the absurd
(the kid survived that long?). Finally, the ending is
just bad. I saw it in the theater, and when it ended,
I refused to accept that as the ending. They had to
kick me out, because I refused to leave until the real
ending was shown. Turns out, that was the real ending.
3.
Batman and Robin
Director:
Joel Schumacher
Starring:
George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Uma Thurman, and
Arnold Scwar....Schwarz.....fuck it, the Terminator.
I
despise this movie. Notice it's the sequels that
destroy the original's intent. If I could, I would
recall every copy of this movie sold and personally
obliterate each one with a bat (the irony, the
irony...). The only good Batman is Michael Keaton, and
Clooney, while good in From Dusk Til Dawn, ain't no
Keaton. There's too much wrong with this movie to
discuss here, but trust me, it's bad.
2.
Halloween: H20
Director:
Steve Miner
Starring:
Jamie Lee Curtis, LL Cool J, and most of the cast of
Dawson's Creek
Another
horrible sequel. This movie makes a mockery of
everything the original Halloween stood for. There's
like a death count of two, most of the movie is a plug
for Kevin Williamson's other movies and shows, and
most of all, LL Cool J is in it and doesn't die.
That's just an insult to the movie industry right
there.
1.
It's Alive!
Director:
Larry Cohen
Starring:
Who cares?
Horrible movie. The plot is about a monster
baby that's born and kills everyone. The characters
are weak and have no emotion, and the baby looks like
a green Cabbage Patch doll with fangs. Overall, just
stupid and even painful to watch.
 Norm
- Staff Writer
5.
Dude, Where's My Car?
Director:
Danny Leiner
Starring:
Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott
I
actually thought this movie was going to be good,
which was why I saw it. However, not only did it not
live up to expectations, it just plain stunk. The
plot, revolving around two idiots who have misplaced
their car, was atrocious while the acting was unbearable.
The only bright spots were in the form of two lovely
ladies, Jennifer Garner and Kristy Swanson.
4.
Wild Wild West
Director:
Barry Sonnenfeld
Starring:
Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Salma Hayek
I
knew that this would be bad, but I saw it anyway
because Kevin Kline is a good actor. However, my premonition
was correct as this one was horrid even with Kline in
it. Everything that happened was too predictable, none
of it was funny and Selma Hayek, the hottie of the
movie, was barely in it. Will Smith had one big hit
movie and since then, he's been putting up nothing but
garbage.
3.
Waterworld
Director:
Kevin Reynolds
Starring:
Kevin
Costner, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chaim Girafi, Rick
Aviles, Dennis Hopper
A
movie about living on the sea without any hope of
seeing land. Kevin Costner really spit the bit on this
one. His character isn't original enough to make
people want to watch him. Meanwhile, the plot makes it
so easy to see that the little girl is the key to
everything. If you haven't seen it, consider yourself
lucky.
2.
Meet Joe Black
Director:
Martin Brest
Starring:
Brad Pitt, Anthony Hopkins, Claire Forlani
It
was not until I saw this movie did I think that it was
possible to die of boredom. This movie was too long
and there wasn't enough action to make it worth
watching. The plot is about death wanting to spend
time on earth. Who gives a rat's ass about death? And
how in the world is death going to fall in love with
anyone? It was so idiotic and so painful to see. The
only good scene was when Brad Pitt's first character
gets mowed down by a bus.
1.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Director:
Terry Gilliam
Starring:
Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro
You think,
"hey, it's a movie about stoners; therefore, it
must be good." Nope. This was pathetic. More time
was spent in scenes where the stars are spaced out and
high than actually developing the plot line. I
actually pitied these idiots rather than cheered them
on as they went for "The American Dream"
which by the way is nothing definable. It probably has
something to do with drugs anyway. Trust me, drugs in
movies aren't always glamorous.
 Sideshow
Rob - Senior Editor
5.
Halloween H20
Director:
Steve Miner
Starring:
Jamie Lee Curtis, Josh Hartnett, LL Cool J
Somehow
this movie scared my sister.
I never saw the first… however many Halloween
movies there were.
Lame, predictable, and altogether BAD!
Sidenote: another Jamie Lee Curtis movie (Alien
Resurrection) just missed making this list.
Nothing personal, since I do like her in those
Voicestream ads.
4.
Scary Movie 2
Director:
Kennen Ivory Wayans
Starring:
Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Anna Faris
I
know about the $100 million rule in Hollywood: once a
movie makes the century mark in theaters, the sequel
must come out. It’d
be tough since they killed off every character in the
first spoof but they found a way… and… it sucked.
3.
Jeepers Creepers
Director:
Victor Salva
Starring:
Gina Philips & Justin Long
Oh
God, was this movie hyped. Billed as the greatest horror movie of the summer, acclaimed
by every magazine I read (for those keeping score,
Maxim and Stuff), I had to see this movie.
I shouted “That’s it?” when the lame-ass
ending finished, having felt cheated out of my $9.50.
I’d rather go with Randal Graves to see Jason
X than see this awful movie again.
2.
Dude Where's My Car?
Directed:
Danny Leiner
Starring:
Ashton Kutcher & Seann William Scott
Twenty
minutes in to it, I realized if they said “Dude,
where’s my car?” and “I dunno dude, where’s
your car?” for ninety minutes, it’d be funnier.
It took a lot of willpower to keep me in the
theater. Why
did we want to see this on the first day it came out?
Blahhh.
1.
Don't be a Menace in South Central While Drinking your
Juice in the Hood
Director:
Paris Barclay
Starring:
Shawn & Marlon Wayans
I
laughed my ass off… when I saw it five years ago. Then again, I was a stupid little kid. I saw it again about a month ago and could not find a single
funny moment. If
only I had a list of strictly Wayans’ brothers
movies… remember Senseless? Yeah, try to forget it.
 Disco
Stu - Editor in Chief
5.
Any Movie With Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme
Director:
Various
Starring:
Steven Seagal/Jean-Claude Van Damme
Van
Damme and Seagal are action stars by accident. They
cannot provide action, for example, merely by the
dynamism of their personalities like Arnold or Bruce
Willis could. Instead, they provide action purely from
their knowledge of martial arts. So, their movies are
normally horrible carbon copies of each other. Here's
how the normal plotline of the Van Damme/Seagal movies
goes: the main character's wife/career partner/best
friend is killed by a sort of gang/terrorist
group/covert paramilitary organization. The main
character then seeks out this group and attempts to
defeat them with his martial arts skills... Not
original.
4.
Over the Top
Director:
Menahem Golan
Starring:
Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia, Christina Hawk,
Rick Zumwult,
The
plot buries this one. You see, Sylvester Stallone, who
plays trucker/arm-wrestler Lincoln Hawk (no joke) must
regain custody of his son after his wife dies; Hawk's
father-in-law, however, doesn't like Hawk because he
isn't rich. So, Stallone does the only thing he can do
to regain his son: become a professional arm-wrestler.
Yeah. Good move.
3.
Gymkata
Director:
Robert Clouse
Starring:
Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani, Richard Norton, Edward
Bell
This
movie is hilarious. Unfortunately, Gymkata isn't
supposed to be funny. The story revolves around
martial artist and gymnast (hence the name) Jonathan
Cabot being picked by evil government operatives to
defeat a "Game" of some kind. He refuses, so
he melds his martial arts and gymnastic skills to
form... GYMKATA! One "classic" scene is when
Cabot just happens to find a pommel horse in the
middle of a village square. He of course uses it to
beat the bad guys. Another scene when he must travel
through "The Village of Crazies." A truly
astounding piece of shit.
2.
Waterworld
Director:
Kevin Reynolds
Starring:
Kevin Costner, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chaim
Girafi, Rick Aviles, Dennis Hopper
In
this soggy adventure, Kevin Costner proves once more
why he should not act in movies. The film is as soggy
as the script and the acting is much, much worse.
After seeing Dances With Wolves (which won several
Academy Awards), the studio gave Costner a lot of
moving room to make the picture. In fact, they
continued production after a whole set sank.
Well, they should've taken that as a bad omen, because
this movie sinks too.
1.
Battlefield: Earth
Director:
Roger Christian
Starring:
John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Kim
Coates
An
absolutely horrendous piece of tripe. Everything about
this film is ugly: the story, the acting, the
costumes, the special effects, and the look of the
film are all terrible. And I mean 'terrible' in it's
truest sense--this movie will actually scare you into
not seeing movies for a while. I wonder how this thing
ever got off the ground. Putting this on your acting
resume is career suicide. Also, notice how I haven't
described the plot. Not a coincidence: I had no idea
what was going on. In fact, I actually fell asleep
several times while watching it. Stay away from
this... thing!
Battlefield:
Earth.... Wow.
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