Osama Loves Creed
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : 03.18.02
Ol'
Sammy's At It Again
The tragedies of September 11th affected the whole world and
effectively made Osama bin Laden, leader of the al-Qaida
terrorist network, the most hated person on the globe.
He has been portrayed in the media as a hateful man,
ignorant, and narrow-minded, his thoughts clouded by a
perverse interpretation of Islamic Law. The media has
also liked to dehumanize him, understandably, by
revealing him as inherently evil and diabolical.
In fact, the videos that our government and bin Laden
himself has released shows his outward hatred for the
West and the charismatic nature in which he expresses
his views.
But,
recently, the United States has asserted bin Laden's
threat to any country as being minimal. Some have seen
this as a clear sidestep to questions about bin
Laden's whereabouts--after all, the United States has no
idea where he is.
Clearly,
though, the government is right on this point.
Osama bin Laden is no longer a threat to the interests
of the United States, despite the fact that the
government has yet to catch him. I can make this bold
assertion because Renegade Monkey Nuns has procured a
very recent video tape of bin Laden and his
associates during a very important meeting. Like the
previous tapes, they shed light into the personality
of bin Laden; after reading the transcript of the
tape, however, one can only conclude that Osama bin
Laden is no longer a threat to us. Have a read...
THE
TRANSCRIPT
The
Setting: Osama and his associates confer in a
primitive square room made of concrete. The location
is top secret.
The
People: Osama is present, of course. It looks like
he speaks mostly to Sheik Tariq Abdul Azziz, a Saudi
Arabian oil magnate, and a bin Laden supporter.
The
Patterns: Like the previous bin Laden tapes, they
are filled with "Praises to Allah" which
seem almost random, as well as comments on the West
and society. Also, like the other videos, some
segments are inaudible.
 |
|
The
meeting begins. |
Tariq:
Okay, okay. Quiet down everybody. Osama's coming.
[Bin Laden enters the room and sits down] Osama!
How have you been?
Osama:
Not bad, Tariq. Not bad at all.
Tariq:
That's good. Hey, it looks like you've lost a lot
of weight. Have... Have you been working out?
Osama:
You could say that. I've been doing a lot of
running.
Tariq:
Ah. We can't have the world's best [inaudible]
getting killed, now can we? [Laughs]
Osama:
Ha-ha... Right. Praise Allah.
Tariq:
So, let's get down to business--
Osama:
Well, hold on there, buddy. How have you been,
Tariq?
 |
|
Osama
gets a little on the side. |
Tariq:
Fine, I suppose. You know how it is with 34 wives
breathing down your neck! Am I right?
Osama:
Oh my Allah! You're a light weight, man. I got 103
wives... with 27 concubines on the side. But, lets
keep that between you, me, and the great Allah who
will destroy all the infidels. [Laughs]
Tariq:
You're such a ladies man.
Osama:
Well, I don't want to brag...
Tariq:
No, no, you are, man. Praise Allah. If I could get
the 'tang you get--
Osama:
Whoa, hold up, brother. All my women are the most
chaste and pure females on the... [Bursts out in
laughter] Oh Allah! That is such a lie, man!
 |
|
Talkin' 'bout females. |
Tariq:
Ha-ha! You're such a joker. How come those Western
blasphemers hate you so much? Praise Allah.
Osama:
I have no [inaudible] clue. They just
understand sometimes, you know? Sometimes, I just want
to get away...
Tariq:
Whoa... are you--are you okay, man?
Osama:
[Wiping away tears] Yeah. It's all good.
Praise Allah.
Tariq:
You want to get down to business, now?
Osama:
Hey, are you in a rush or something?
Tariq:
No. No, of course not...
Osama:
Hey, man. It's me, Osama. We've know each other
ever since we plotted to blow up Russian convoys
together. You can tell me.
Tariq:
Promise you won't make fun of me. Don't overreact.
Osama:
Um, I'm not really good at that sort of thing,
T-Bone. Praise Allah.
Tariq:
Well, I want to go see Crossroads, the new
Britney Spears movie, at the new cineplex at Kabul.
Osama:
Really? You like Britney?
Tariq:
Her music is very uplifting.
 |
|
Arguing
about why Creed is the greatest. |
Osama:
By allah, the girl is a great blasphemer! She
chooses to reveal her ankles and wrists (and more),
rather than hide her copious beauty with a burqa!
Tariq:
Dude.
Osama:
Uplifting? You want to talk about uplifting? Go
listen to Creed. They are awesome. [Starts humming
the chorus to "Higher"]
Tariq:
Creed? They are infidels. Praise Allah. They
promote Judeo-Christian values in their lyrics.
Osama:
Wow, you're so ignorant, Tariq! Have you seen
their live show? No. Do you have any of their albums?
No. Do you understand their lyrics? No. You're
so narrow-minded.
 |
|
Tariq:
"Whoa, dude. Calm down about Creed." |
Tariq:
Hey, Osama. Don't be such a [inaudible]
Osama:
Oh, if you only saw them play man! [He begins
to play air guitar] They combine the hard rock
guitar riffs of Metallica with the thoughtful lyrics
of The Doors. Add leather pants, mix, and allow to
cook for 2 years and... voila! You got the best band
ever.
Tariq:
I always thought The Omar Pahlavi Five were the
best band ever.
Osama:
No, Creed. Best. Band. Ever.
Tariq:
Okay, whatever.
Osama:
I'm bored. Praise Allah.
 |
|
Playing
Monopoly |
Tariq:
You want to play a game? I got Monopoly
yesterday!
Osama:
Cool!
Tariq:
Totally. [He takes out the game and sets it up
on the floor] I get the thimble!
Osama:
What?! You know that's my favorite piece! Give it
to me, you piece of [inaudible].
Tariq:
Hey! That's not necessary.
 |
|
Osama:
"Give me the thimble!" |
Osama:
Do you want me do blow you up? I mean, like, now?
[Tariq immediately hands over the thimble. He
chooses the car instead]
Tariq:
You can be such a monster sometimes, Osama.
Osama:
Shut up and play.
THE
TAPE ENDS
|
