Monkeys
With Typewriters »
Is
Anybody Reading This? Myths About Making a Web Site
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : Issue 6, Vol. II
 Nowadays,
everyone and their grandmother's dog has a web site. The
majority of these people are first time web creators and really
have no idea what they're doing, what they're going to put on
their web site, or even what a computer is.
When
they finally make a site, they usually follow myths that are just
completely wrong when it comes to web sites. That's why
there's so much garbage in the internet. Just search through
AOL, NBCi, Geocities, Angelfire, Tripod, and all the sites that
provide free web space. Hopefully, you're a first time web
site maker reading this article, curious to find out the myths of
the internet. But, what exactly are the myths?
MYTH
ONE: Your Site Doesn't Suck
I
hate to break this to you, but your site sucks. It
seriously, seriously does. I'd guesstimate that more than
85% of "personal pages" on the web really suck.
For the most part, these pages have tons of spelling errors on any
given page, not to mention 10,000 different MIDIs and animated
GIFs trying to load at the same time. The end result is a
crappy page with no less that 700 colors on the same page (and a
contrasting background image that makes the text illegible), that
takes hours to load. They are everywhere on the 'net.
Take for example, this Limp Bizkit site text I wrote up for this
article, which exemplifies extreme site suckiness:
"LIMP
BIZKIT RULEZ! ALL BANDZ OHTER TAHN LIMP BIZZKIT SUCKZ! I LOVE LIMP
BIZKIT! NOOKIE! ROULLIN! THEY ARE AWESOEM BAND YO! RAP ROCK! FRED
DURST KICKZ ASS! YEAH!"
See? The
majority of personal web sites are exactly like this: all the text
in CAPS, words that should end with an "S" are inexplicably spelled with a "Z," spelling errors
everywhere, and horrible, horrible grammar. So, let me
reiterate: your site sucks. Oh yeah, your site sucks so much that
it is probably hovering around 50 hits: 49 hits traced back to you
and the other hit was from some guy looking for an herbal remedy
for impotence. Which leads me to my next point...
MYTH TWO: If
You Build It, They Will Come
This statement is
only true for porn sites. Chances are, if you're a web site
virgin, you'll follow the first myth and make a crappy web
site. Also, no one will ever find your site anyway, since
there are millions of sites on the web. Even if you've
managed to make a kick-ass web site, chances are, no one outside
friends or family will ever lay eyes on your work. Search
engines and banner advertising isn't likely to work, because, as I
said, the web is clogged with millions of sites. So, no one
will visit your site except for you and your legally-blind pen pal
in the Limp Bizkit fan club.
In fact, I bet no
one is reading this article. I can pretty much say anything
I want to without getting caught. I can spread rumors,
curse, and pretty much say anything else I wanted to. So,
okay, here goes...those fucking Hanson kids are dirty, dirty
necrophiliacs. So I've heard.
Anyway, back to
my point: if you make a good web site, that's good for you.
But, no one will ever visit it.
MYTH THREE:
Everything On Your Site Works Perfectly
 Look
at that image on the left... Isn't it annoying? The way the
little red "X" stares at you from the monitor is
downright irritating. What the hell is that picture? You
start pulling your hairs out, trying to figure what the picture
could possibly be. Don't
bother, because you'll never know. You've screwed up the
HTML, the link or whatever, and it has caused the image not to
appear.
What about that
link to that really cool conspiracy site? It's dead, you
say? No fucking way!
And, wait a
minute...didn't your site look perfect on the 1024 X
768 resolution monitor at home? Why does it look screwed up
on the 800 X 600 monitor at your friend's house? WHY? WHY?
Because you screwed up. That, and your site sucks. You
thought it would work out perfectly, didn't you? Haha...kids these
days...
MYTH FOUR: The
"About Me" Section of Your Site is Not Mind-Numbingly
Stupid
Yes, it is
mind-numbingly stupid. For the most part "About
Me" sections of a person's site are the worst. Most
people fall under the dreaded "Valley Girl Syndrome" as
I like to refer to it: the section lists "friends,"
various dumb hobbies, and has tons of emoticons that will
literally make you gag. The section also has song lyrics
from some band they like (in an effort to sound sentimental) and
no less than 50 exclamation points and "lol's" on the
page. Take a look at a typical Valley Girl About Me section
that I wrote up:
~^~*ShAnNoN's
PaGe*~^~
Well,
I guess I'll talk about myself lol :-) ! I live in Beverly Hills,
CA with my hot chickas! Home of Beverly Hills 90210! Shouts
to my buds Gina (remember Mrs. Tufts, 6th grade 4EVA! lol), Eric,
Dan (are you going to the DANCE?! lol!), Jenny, Louisa, Joni,
Bobby, Ray, Raymond (how's Sarah? lol) :-P Tina, Liz, Lisa, and
everyone else I forgot you know who you are lol!!! <3 <3
<3 LUV ya! XOXO lol! I have blond hair and blue
eyes and I AM HOT LOL! Come on guys ya know ya WANT ME! ;-P LOL!
My fav hobby is SHOPPIGN, prada, gucci, dolce gabbana, HIGH CLASS 4
my chickas! LOL! What U See is what U* get! :-) I luv BLINK 182,
Green Day, Britney, NYSNC, Bckstreet BOYS, Aaliyah! LOL See ya!
I
LOVE this song
It';s
something unpredictyable but in the end it's right I hoipe you had
the time of your life! LOL! **~~^~^~**
Just reading that
makes me want to poke my eyes out. Repeatedly.
So, if you're
making a web site, please don't follow these myths. And,
does anybody have that valley girl's number? She seems hot...
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