What
Ever Happened to the Saved By the Bell Cast?
By Disco Stu
- Editor in Chief : 07.25.01
 Hey,
cool! It's Saved By the... ah, screw it.
The show sucks.
As
youngsters, we all followed the lives of Bayside
High's most stereotypically amusing bunch of
students. There was Zack, who was the typical
all-American schemer and skirt chaser; there was also
Screech, his loyal sidekick and resident nerd; A.C
Slater meanwhile, was the obligatory jock. Among
the girls, there was Kelly, the "pretty
one"; Jessie, the "smart one"; and Lisa
the "stylish one" (because she's
black). And finally, there was Mr. Belding, the
bumbling principal that Zack always seemed to
irritate.
We
watched it because it seemed cool. It had
seemingly hip and trendy high school students that we
could all relate to. Little did we realize that
the show actually sucks. Really bad.
Translation: it's no good.
The
popularity of the show, however, helped the producer
to launch a short lived primetime spin off titled Saved
By the Bell: The College Years. (The
producer, by the way, is Peter Engel. You can
thank him for other terrible teen comedies like California
Dreams, Hang Time, USA High, City Guys, and Malibu,
CA) Unfortunately, the spin off was also
mind-numbingly predictable and uninteresting so it was
quickly cancelled.
But,
the students graduated and went on with their
lives. They graduated and haven't been heard
from in years. I think Renegade Monkey Nuns
would do a great public service by catching up with
Zack, Screech, AC, Kelly, Lisa, Jessie, and Mr.
Belding.
Zack
Morris
During
SBtB: While he was on the show, Zack was
the main character. He would usually start off
each show by talking straight to the camera and giving
a vague premise for the show. He was the
girl-crazy character, always determined to win.
An important part of the show was Zack's get rich
quick schemes (which always failed and always got him
in trouble with Mr. Belding).
After
SBtB: After the show ended, Zack went on to
continue his scheming for riches. This time,
however, it actually worked! He devised an
elaborate and clever business plan involving hookers,
drugs, gaudy clothing, and of course tons and tons of
money. He refuses to be called Zack anymore,
rather going by his pimp moniker-Phineas Q. Hoeseller.
The Q, he explains, stands for "quality."
Screech
During
SBtB: Screech played the nerdy kid on the
show and Zack's sidekick. He was madly in love
with Lisa, but his love for her always remained
unrequited. Plus, he sorta had an afro.
After
SBtB: Well,
Screech ditched the white-boy afro and the crappy
show. Instead, he joined a crappy band!
I'm not kidding. The band, called Salty
the Pocketknife, is currently showcased at MP3.com.
I haven't exactly listened to any songs they've done,
but it must be good because they've made a whopping
$236.62! I bet they mix shitty adult
contemporary, the edginess of crappy hip hop, and the
overall suckiness of industrial electronica!
AC
Slater
During
SBtB: He was the prototypical jock.
He even has a jock name! An army brat growing
up, AC convinced his father to stay in Bayside by
threatening to beat him up. Not really.
Anyways, AC was Bayside's wrestling and football star
and he made most of his popularity by going out with both
Kelly and Jessie. But, by the end of the show, he was
seen as nothing more than a musclehead and dumb
athlete.
After
SBtB: As
you can see below, AC took one too many milligrams of
muscle enhancer. He never went to college;
instead, he spent all his time at the gym working
out. Now, he's wider than he is tall! He goes by
the name "Troll," and can no longer turn or
move his neck. Also, he is physically incapable
of having children since his enormous upper body
dwarfs his otherwise small penis.
The
Girls: Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, and Jessie Spano
During
SBtB: As I said, Kelly was the "pretty
one", Jessie was the "smart one" and
Lisa was the "stylish one" (because she's
black). Both AC and Zack competed for Kelly, but
since it was a teen show, neither were able to get her
into the sack. Jessie, meanwhile, seemed like she was
on her way law school. Finally, Lisa showed all
the signs of a gold-digger.
After
SBtB: Soon
after college graduation, the three girls decided to
take a long road trip across the country. Along
the way, they picked up hitchhikers and stopped at
shady redneck bars "for fun." But, they
never took care of their looks. They started bad
chain-smoking habits, got drunk more times than they
can remember, and threw up in all 48 contiguous
states. Here they are in a dark bar somewhere in
Ohio:
Mr.
Belding
During
SBtB: Mr. Belding played the obligatory
authority figure that always got mad at the schemes of
"those crazy kids." Viewers almost
never saw him without a suit. He made the grave
mistake of hiring Screech as his assistant for Saved
by the Bell:The New Class. Throughout
everything though, Mr. Belding remained a stand-up
citizen.
After
SBtB: Mr.
Belding has a bit of a skeleton in his closet.
You see, he likes to donate his sperm. At a
principal's salary, he makes a measly $45,000 a
year. He came up with the idea of donating his
seed after spying on the girls locker room one lonely,
lonely day. Now, he's $5,000 richer every
year--and the father of dozens of children. He's evil!
Mwahaha! Mwahaha!! Below, you can see him
keeping his scrotum cool, to increase, uh, production.
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