Boy
Bands
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : Issue 2, Vol. I
Everyone
today should have heard the term "Boy Band"
millions of times already. To those who don't
know the meaning of this term, Boy Bands are a
manufactured male group of singers who display
both an attractive facade to the ladies and have
some practiced dancing skills. They almost always
sing pop songs and always sing about love, broken
hearts, or girls (there are NO exceptions here).
Anyways, the first Boy Bands to make a big splash
were 98 Degrees and the Backstreet Boys. The
Backstreet Boys came out from Orlando, Florida
though made their mark in Europe first before receiving success here in the States. These two
were quickly followed by N'Sync, ironically from
Orlando as well and having the same producer as
the Backstreet Boys. Next in the assembly line
comes probably the worst Boy Band of all, LFO. I
don't know their names, and I don't really give a
damn, but one thing is for sure...that boy band
sucks. But, now, lets analyze the four bands I
mentioned above.
The
Backstreet Boys
Members:
Howie D., A.J., Nick, Kevin, Brian
Singing
Style: Pop
Suck-O-Meter:
Big time sucky. They sort of set the
standard. Songs with the same meaning, no
symbolism or metaphoric value at all. Their only
semi-good song was Larger than Life. Cool video
for that song, too, though that's the only thing
going for them.
Boy
Band Scale: 9
98 Degrees
Members:
Justin, Drew, Nick, other guy
Singing
Style: Pop
Suck-O-Meter:
Yes, they suck, though not as much as
the Backstreet boys. They've been around longer,
though they don't produce songs that are as
catchy and annoying... which is a good thing.
Boy
Band Scale: 8
N'SYNC
Members: Joey,
Chris, Justin, J.C., Lance
Singing
Style: Pop
Suck-O-Meter:
N'Sync probably sucks the least out of
all of the Boy Bands featured here. In fact,
though I hate to say this, some of their songs
are actually good. Plus, having Kim Smith in your
videos doesn't hurt either.
Boy
Band Scale: 7
LFO
Members: I
have no idea
Singing
Style: Pop
Suck-O-Meter:
Off the scale. They have that guy who
"raps" and those other two who sing.
They've got terrible lyrics and awful music to go
along with it. This is as bad as it gets.
Boy
Band Scale: 10
Make Your
Own Boy Band
Here the
ingredients to make your own Boy Band. First you'll
need a sleazy producer who has no problem
exploiting young talent for any amount of money
it takes. Next, you'll need a song writer...actually,
scratch that. Just make it up as you go along.
But make sure you get a dance instructor, so the
moves will distract from the horrible lyrics.
Read below to find the members' archetypes for the
group. A person can encompass more than one type,
so there's no need to worry about numbers.
The Heart
Throb: The member who always gets ogled
by most of the girls and gets the most camera or
singing time. e.g.: Nick Lachey,
that blond guy from LFO, Justin Timberlake, Nick
from the Backstreet Boys
Heart
Throb Number 2: He gets the leftovers
from the first guy. e.g.: JC,
Brian, Greasy Haired guy on LFO, Justin (98
Degrees)
The Nice
Guy: The boy from next door, who's
always quiet, not terribly good looking, but runs
the show from the inside. e.g.: Howie
D., the guy with black hair from LFO, Drew, Lance
The
Comedian: Not good looking either, but
gets by with his humor. the group could drop him
and no one would know. e.g.: Chris,
Nick, blond guy from 98 Degrees
The Edgy
One: The one with the big ego who always
seems to try and take over the show for himself.
Carries a vanity object, like a cane, or wears
sunglasses indoors. e.g.: AJ,
Nick (98 Degrees), Joey, Greasy Haired Guy from
LFO
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