TV
Shows That Must End
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : Issue 4, Vol. II
Please, Make it
Stop
I love TV. In fact, I love it so much that I can't
stop watching it. That's why I always hate to see
bad television shows. They take up precious TV
watching time, and frankly I don't have any extra
minutes to spare. Just give me the good shows and
I'll be happy. Another thing I hate about TV is
the way it tries to keep airing certain shows
even after it's peak. Seinfeld made a
good example for others to follow by leaving at
its peak and number one in the ratings. Roseanne
did the opposite, ending its run a few years too
late. There are certain shows that must end by
the end of this season. In some cases, they've
overstayed their welcome, while in other cases,
the shows just suck. Read on to find out the
television shows that must end.
Anything
On the UPN
The Past: UPN has never really
been taken seriously in the television community.
It launched in the mid 1990s bolstered by an
incredibly cheesy ad campaign. With shows like
"The Platypus Man" in its primetime
launch schedule, industry insiders and audiences
alike knew that the network was gonna suck.
The Present: Suck it did. And
the UPN continues to suck. The network is now
dominated by primarily African American comedies
like Moesha with pop sensation Brandy,
and that show with Urkel. The UPN also seems to
like picking up cancelled shows from the "Big
Three" networks; The Hughleys, for
instance, appeared shortly on ABC, but was later
canceled and subsequently picked up by UPN.
Currently, it's flagship shows, and I use the
term "shows" loosely, are the
aforementioned Moesha, Star Trek:
Voyager, and WWF Smackdown.
Fortunately for the local UPN affiliates, they
can use Smackdown as a means to boost
ratings by loading their newscasts with wrestling-related
stories with wrestling-related names (e.g. "Wrestlers
Give Back to Community," "Wrestlers
Interviewed," "Anorexics Wrestle With
Tough Fight," "Mayor Puts a Strangle-Hold
on Sex Shops).
A Typical UPN Episode: The main
character of the show gets into trouble. He/she
is outed by her friends. He/she feels betrayed
because he/she can't attend the African Heritage
Poetry Luau. Authority figures in the show are
upset. The Rock makes a guest appearance and
settles the problem.
The Future: The UPN already has
a somewhat healthy black audience and is trying
to appeal to younger white audiences. Hype
and Smackdown continue to try to do this,
but it doesn't seem to be working. Just cancel
all the shows and make it into an all wrestling
network.
The Simpsons
The Past: It started out as
cartoon fillers for The Tracy Ullman Show,
but FOX eventually picked it up as a primetime
show to jumpstart their new network. Matt Groening, the creator and one of the producers of
the show, admitted that he really didn't know
what he was doing in the first two seasons. And
it shows: the animation was crude, the stories
were choppy, and the characters were hardly
fleshed out. By the third season, however, The
Simpsons picked up steam and became a
merchandise giant; you couldn't go anywhere
without seeing a Simpsons product being used or
sold. By the mid-1990s The Simpsons was
the best show on television (and some claim the
best show ever) and it continued to be funny. FOX
used Sunday nights to try out new shows combining
the power of The Simpsons and The X-Files
and some fledgling show in between.
The Present: After a bunch of
imitators in the same and different networks (The
Family Guy, The God, the Devil, and Bob, and
Dilbert), not to mention a Simpsons-like
show called Futurama, The Simpsons,
continued in earnest. The noticeable decline came
after the episode in which the Simpsons traveled
to Tokyo--it was one of the best episodes of the
show ever. The seasons after, however, have not
been consistent, only showing a few gems in each
season.
A Typical Simpsons Episode: The
first scene usually has nothing to do with the
main story. It's just a method the writers use to
get the family into the main plot. Usually, a
character will have a dominant storyline and
another character will a minor storyline. Homer
does something stupid, a few catch phrases are
used, end of show. Too bad it's become way to
hokey for its own good.
The Future: The shows decline
hasn't stopped FOX or the producers of the show
from reportedly making a Simpsons movie. I don't
see the benefit a movie will add to the show and
I think it'll be really bad. I love the show and
will probably see it if it comes out, but I find
it hard to imagine how they're gonna stretch a 30
minute show to a full length feature film. Also,
they've made enough shows to last through the
beginning of next season, so there's a chance
that this won't be The Simpsons' last
season.
 The X-Files
The Past: The X-Files
started out slowly with David Duchovny as Mulder
and Gillian Anderson as Scully, but quickly
picked up a loyal cult following. Soon, it became
one of FOX's most popular shows along with The
Simpsons, Party of Five, and World's
Best Police Chases. Each episode dealt with
either a supernatural circumstance, or some sort
of government cover up. It's gotten better and
better with each passing season despite Chris
Carter, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson
threatening to leave.
The Present: Well, Duchovny's
gone and Gillian Anderson would have left if she
wasn't contractually obligated to stay for one
more season. Carter has hired Robert Patrick of Terminator
2 fame to play Scully's new partner, Agent Doggett. The show is still good, but without
Duchovny, it's not the same show.
A Typical X-Files Episode:
Scully and Mulder/Doggett investigate a possible
X-File. Normally, Scully would try to persuade
Mulder that the situation they're investigating
has a rational scientific explanation. Mulder,
however, would go against the theories of Ocham's
Razor and choose the most outlandish and
impossible solution--usually, Mulder would be
right. Scully seems to be replacing Mulder's
thinking now that Doggett is onboard. In the
meantime, the investigators somehow report their
findings to their superiors, uncover secrets of
the government, and find out clues about
where Mulder's sister is all in one show.
The Future: This will most
likely be the last season of the show since
Duchovny's gone and Anderson's contract ends.
Possible ways to get your X-files fix in the
future: there's talk of another movie, a spin-off of the popular Lone Gunmen (who appeared
occasionally in the show) and continual airings
of the reruns.
Dharma and
Greg
The Past: I've never watched
this show. Somehow, a show based on a girl raised
by hippies marrying an upper-crust rich boy in a
sort of demented Odd Couple pairing doesn't
appeal to me. Unfortunately, it appealed to most
other people. TV Guide called it the best new
show of that season and audiences responded well
to the praise it got, making Dharma and Greg
the highest rated new show that season.
The Present: It still sucks.
Every episode seems to revolve around how Greg
upsets Dharma, and then Dharma threatening to
leave. There's a "Very Special Episode of Dharma
and Greg" each week.
A Typical Dharma and Greg Episode:
Dharma fights with her in-laws and finds it
difficult to be around people anymore. She
threatens to go to Tibet to meditate. Greg gets
new argyle socks.
The Future: For some reason,
Jenna Elfman seems to be a popular figure around
Hollywood. I don't see why. Anyways, the show has
received a dip in the ratings, but ABC hasn't
shown any signs of canceling or changing it's
time slot. This show sucks.
Bette
The Past: Bette Midler is a fat,
ugly woman. I hate her. How could she get her own
show?? This is Bette's first season.
The Present: Bette Midler still
sucks.
A Typical Bette Episode: Bette
complains about her husband, servants, weight.
Then she sings a song. Everyone around her kills
themselves.
The Future: I hope it gets
cancelled. Seriously, if you put Bette Midler and
a Cow next to each other you'd only be able to
tell the difference by the udder. Oh yeah, and a
cow has spots.
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