Future
Survivor Ideas
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : Issue 6, Vol. II
 It's
not an exaggeration to say that Survivor is the biggest thing that
has come on American television in the past two years or so.
It was the biggest (and best) show last year, and has continued
its success with it's latest installment, Survivor: Australian
Outback. The producer of the show, Mark Burnett, has already begun
casting the next installment, which has yet to have a finalized
location. Let's help the ol' guy out for some future
Survivor ideas. I've predetermined some factors that would
make for a good Survivor show: the tribe members, the kinds of
challenge, and the winner.
Survivor:
The Playboy Mansion
Obviously, this one would take place at the legendary Playboy
Mansion, where Playmates frolic and male fantasies come
true. It's not remote, I know, but that's ok: this is good
television. It might be too racy for the conservative
executives at CBS though. The tribes would be made up of
Skins and (wet) Shirts, rather designating colors.
Furthermore, instead of rice, they will only be allowed to eat
bananas, sausages, and cucumbers.
Tribe
Members: Most of the tribe members will be blond
girls with big boobs, and whose name all end in the letter "i"
for some reason. Like: Tiffani, Charli, Candi, Jayni, Bobbi,
and Barbi. In addition, Jeff Probst will be replaced by a
horny lipstick lesbian.
Challenges:
Most of the challenges will involve the girls having to
attempt to touch each others tonsils with their tongues.
Also, pillow fights, water hose fights, and tickle fights will be
regular challenges, and will all be broadcast in slow motion.
The
Winner: Who gives a shit?!
Celebrity
Survivor
With
the amazing success of Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire,
Burnett would be a fool not to do a Celebrity Survivor. The
location would be some strangers house, without any perks and
amenities that come with stardom.
Tribe
Members: One tribe will consist of Mr. T, Eminem, Cyndi
Lauper, George Michael, Eartha Kitt, Puff Daddy, Verne
"Mini-Me" Troyer,
Peggy Bundy (the character, not Katey Sagal), Alf, and, just for
kicks, John Rocker. The other tribe will consist of all 5
Backstreet Boys, Sigfreid and Roy, and Ellen Degeneres. That
tribe will be called "ULDEMGAY." Take a look at
the tribal politics:
Mr.
T: I pity da foo' who vote Mr. T off! Dial 1-800 Collect!
Jeff
Probst: The tribe has spoken.
Mr.
T: Shut up, foo'! Stay in Milk!
John
Rocker: Get outta here, monkey queer boy!
Meanwhile...
Backstreet
Boys: Hey! We're not gay! Be nice!
Sigfreid
and Roy: Us neither!
Backstreet
Boys: Hey, those are nice shoes...
Challenges:
There
will be lots of obstacle courses where stacks of gay porn are the
obstacles. Needless to say, ULDEMGAY loses miserably.
The Winner:
Though
Puff Daddy shoots all the contestants by the end, Mr. T beats him
to death and takes the million.
Survivor: In
the 'Hood
Most people have
wondered how some African Americans have survived in the ghetto
for decades without succumbing to gang warfare. Well, this
Survivor edition will find out how, but put a twist it on it...
Tribe Members:
16 spoiled outer-city suburban white people who absolutely
have no business being in the ghetto.
Challenges:
ALL of the challenges will consist of trying to cross the street
without getting shot.
The
Winner: The guy who brought the cardigan with all the
colors of the surrounding gangs.
Survivor:
Midgets and Monkeys
This Survivor
will finally answer that age-old question: Who is better: Monkeys
or Midgets? Frankly, I think the monkeys have the edge on
this one. The location will be somewhere hot, with lots of
trees, so the monkeys will probably win.
Tribe Members:
One tribe will consist of 8 monkeys and the other tribe will
have 8 midgets. Voting people off will change somewhat, as
voting will be replaced by "throwing crap at a board full of
people's names." Let's take a look at tribal politics
for just a moment:
MIDGET
TRIBE
Midget
1: I'm a midget.
Midget
2: *grumbling*
Midget
1: Midget... me.
Midget
2: Hurhm.
Midget
3: Let's vote.
MONKEY
TRIBE
Monkey
1: I say, voting is a dreadful state indeed, is it not, good
friend?
Monkey
2: Tis, good friend, tis.
Monkey
1: I shant ever look forward to voting a fellow simian off
this place.
Monkey
3: Here, here!
Monkey
1: I need a fucking banana.
Challenges:
Most of the challenges will basically be knife fights, with rusty
weapons. Other challenges include throwing crap at each
other and height contests.
The
Winner: I have no idea, but you can bet it'll be a
monkey. And it won't be fat and queer either.
Survivor:
Goomba Edition
People have been
fascinated with the Mafia for decades. With movies and shows
like The Godfather, The Godfather II, Goodfellas, and The
Sopranos, who can blame 'em? This edition will introduce
the mystique of the Mob to Survivor (located in Little Italy, New
York of course). It will be unlike any Survivor ever.
"Voting off" people will drastically change, for
example...
Tribe Members:
Tribes will be called "Crime Families" and will have
more than 8 members each. They reach far into construction,
law enforcement, and such, and will have many people with weird
nicknames. Tony "the Tick" Deluca (because there's
always a guy named 'Tony'), Joey "Crabs" Pontilione,
Mickey "Nuts" Antonieta, Caesar "Pizza Boy"
Angelo, Pauly "Blanks" Dematteo, and Dominic "the
Italian Gangster Who Shoots People" Delarenti will all be
major players. Let's take a look at tribal politics, which
is eerily similar to an episode of the Sopranos:
Tony
"the Tick" Deluca: Fuck, motherfucker. Who
should we fuckin' vote off?
Mickey
"Nuts" Antonieta: Fuck, I don't know. It's
like... fuck.
Tony
"the Tick" Deluca: Fuck.
Mickey
"Nuts" Antonieta: Fuck.
Dominic
"the Italian Gangster Who Shoots People" Delarenti:
How the fuck you doin'?
Tony
"the Tick" Deluca: Fuck off, I need to fucking talk
about my fucking feelings to my motherfucking shrink.
Challenges:
Usually challenges consist of... uh, on second though I better
keep my mouth shut.
The
Winner: I ain't sayin' nothin.
Anyone want to
see these on the air? I know I do.
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