How
to Write the Perfect College Essay
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : 12.07.01
Gonna
get my Ph.D... Player Hater Degree
Why must college be so difficult to get in to? There
are so many factors that go into a typical
application; the whole process can be dizzying.
College admissions officers, for instance, insist on a
few things: transcripts, standardized test scores,
recommendations, financial reports, the head of your
first-born, and a statue of the Jade Monkey.
Despite
times when the college admissions process resembles a
scavenger hunt, there are certain aspects of a
student's application that can sway an admissions
officer towards a "yes" vote for entrance
into the school. The college essay, for one, is
a great example.
How
should one write a college essay? Well, guidance
counselors and english teachers emphasize to all
students good organization, proper grammar, as well as
a subject that reflects best the student's strengths.
We
won't be following any of these standards. Who
wants to conform? Nobody! You need to
stand out from the crowd, not be the same. So,
read on if you want to get into college.
PREREQUISITES:
First,
you must learn the basics. Though most colleges
prefer that the applicant write their essay on
provided paper or an attached white sheet, you must be
different in order to stand out from the
competition. Instead, use an all black sheet of
construction paper and write only with a navy blue
Crayola crayon. Most, if not all, college
admissions officers will see this as a great
implementation of creativity into an otherwise
lifeless sheet of paper and the end result will be
admission on the spot. To spruce up the essay
sheet, cover all the words with stickers of orange
goldfish. It will be shiny and college officers love
shiny things.
Another
great way to stand out from the crowd is to leave your
name completely off any sheet of paper on your essay,
or your whole application for that matter.
College officers will enjoy and appreciate the fun
guessing game that you will provide them! Once
they figure out your name through a series of
frustrating phone calls, letters, and FBI
investigations, you will surely get admission in to
the college.
STEP
ONE: Your Topic
As
I said before, counselors and college officers like
well-written essays that express your strengths and
potential. The essay is meant to be a window
into the applicant's heart and mind, and admissions
officers certainly keep an eye on this aspect while
reading your essay.
Bullshit,
I say. Like I said before, you have to be different
in order to get in. Hence, your essay should be
different and striking. Instead of talking about
yourself, simply state random things in an outline
form. The comments you put on your essay can be
about anything and everything. College
admissions officers are always intrigued by risky
applicants.
Here's
a sample of that outline format:
-
One time, there was a guy who always stubbed his toe
and cursed when he did so. That man?
Winston freaking Churchill.
-
What did you call me?
-
324097u3456
-
Seriously, what did you call me??
-
Mmm... waffles...
-
Pencils are better than pens because they are cooler
than pens because I like pencils better and the pens
are bad for the pencil is mightier than the pen which
is worse than the pencil because pencils are awesome
and I don't like pens at all stick with pencils and
more pencils not pens.... (it should continue on like
this for at least more 7 pages)
Another
topic to consider writing about is your rabid
xenophobia. Describing how you despise all races
other than your own shows to the admission officer
that you are a true individual and a good fit into a
college environment. Check out this application
sample from a penguin:
Hail
Southern Antarctica! All other nations must bow
down to her icy domination! Penguins of the
world unite! We must obliterate the dirty
infidels of Northern Antarctica and smother their
liberal ways! Your mother's a slut!
As
you can see, once you get a topic it's not that hard
to get an essay going.
STEP
2: Form and Grammar
Many
applicants fail to proofread their essay and leave
glaring grammatical mistakes for college admissions
officers to spot. In order to counteract this,
the whole essay should be grammatically
incorrect. Admissions officers will really like
your great sense of consistency and stick-to-it-iveness.
For
instance, spell what normal people would consider
"easy" words wrong. As in:
the
= teh
college
= colleho
father
= ftaherrs
great
= monkey
influence
= asshole
Thus,
a normal sentence including all those words would look
something like this:
"In
colleho I intend to be teh best student ever, like my
ftaherrs was during his colleho years. Indeed,
my ftaherrs has been a monkey asshole to me."
Even
better, spruce up the look of the essay by alternating
between capital and lower-case letters. Again,
this shows off your great sense of creativity and
spatial reasoning:
"I
bElIeVe I wIlL fIt WeLl InTo tHe ScHoOl BeCaUse I hAvE
a gReAt sEnSe oF rEsPoNsIbIlItY."
To
show that you are enthusiastic about applying to a
certain school, you should use exclamation points
liberally. The more exclamation points the
better. In fact, several paragraphs of your
essay should talk about exclamation points, have lots
of exclamation points, or be made up of exclamation
points themselves. For example:
"My
first year at high school left me somewhat confused
about what I wanted to do! Ever since I was
little, I had wanted to be a doctor or a
nurse!!! But, when I was exposed to so many
different extra-curriculars, I was sort of forced to
change my perceptions about my future!!!!!! One
of these extra-curricular activities was the school
Forensics Team!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Finally,
it's common courtesy to end every college essay by
somehow using the word "Apeshit." It's
a college-level word that's rarely used in the common
vernacular; the fact that you end you essay in such a
way will leave you at a high note and admission into
the school.
So,
good luck with college applications and hopefully this
article will make the admissions process less
stressful, apeshit!
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