Rap
Superstar
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : Issue 4, Vol. II
So You Want to be a
Rap Superstar?
Rap has long been a staple of mainstream music.
It started as an urban form of musical expression,
but quickly grew in popularity with such songs as
"Rapper's Delight" and groups like Run DMC. It was seldom seen as a viable musical genre
when it was in it's infancy in the late 1970s and
early 1980s; but, obviously it's stood the test
of time and survived to today. Indeed, Run DMC's
and Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" stirred
people's minds to rap music, while Sir Mix-A-Lot's
"I Like Big Butts" cemented them there.
The late 80s and early 90s saw a new-found
popularity towards the genre with such rappers as
the group N.W.A, Coolio, and Public Enemy, as
well as the pretentious and flashy MC Hammer and
Vanilla Ice. The musical peak saw its
culmination with the release of the Fugees' album
"The Score," by far the best rap album
anyone had made to date. Ever since the release
of that album, however, rap has been in a musical
decline. Some would argue that it was never in a
peak in the first place, but, nevertheless, the
songs began to deteriorate into nothing more than gangsta/street anthems or songs fraught with
sexual innuendo.
That seems to be
the way rap (or "hip hop" as some
purists prefer to call it) is going these days.
It no longer takes into account any musical
aspects that goes into making music. Now,
all the hit rap songs are no-risk tunes that have
been tailored for the radio-listening audience.
Fortunately for anyone hoping to become a famous (c)rapper, it's now possible to formulate a way
in which to succeed in this goal. Read on to find
out how to become a rap superstar in just three
simple, easy to follow steps...
 Prerequisites
Before one even considers to rap, a person should
display certain traits that all famous rappers
exhibit. First, be black. I don't intend to be
prejudice in anyway whatsoever, but, clearly, the
majority of successful rappers are black. With a
few notable exceptions (Eminem, the Beastie Boys),
white people are almost never taken seriously as
rappers, and therefore never succeed. Second,
make sure you're "street." What does
that mean, you ask? Well, it mostly involves one's
individual personality/group conformity. You
should learn to master the ins and outs of
Ebonics, the dominant way to communicate in the
rap world. A popular expression like "That
be mad phat," for example, is merely urban-speak
for "That particular thing is quite intriguing/amazing/mind-boggling/good." Also,
replace the complicated verbs "is, are, was,
etc." to simply "be" (e.g: You be
wit dat bitch, yo?). Simple, right? On to the
next prerequisite...
Third, be sure you
know how to dress like a rapper. A good "starter
clothing kit," if you will, for the beginner
rapper is a durag, baggy jeans worn all the way
to your ankles, a denim jacket (preferably dark
blue), and a black shirt to match your black
sunglasses (which you'll be wearing no matter if
it's day or night). Oh and make sure to get rid
of the shoelaces from your adidas breakdancing
shoes--popularized by Run DMC--you'll look more
"street" that way. One important sidenote: make sure the clothes you buy match the
standard colors of the gang you should be joining.
Rival gangs will be upset if you wear the same
colors they do.
Fourth, now that
you're with a gang, make sure you develop a rap
sheet and establish your "gangsta"
personality city-wide. This will help you get notoriety and respect from the rival gangs and,
most importantly, the rap producers who scout the
streets looking for new "talent." Also,
choose a good rap name. Having a name with an
initial and makes no sense helps a lot (e.g. Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Puff Daddy, Ice T, C Murder). A
good rap name is Proffesor Coldy G. Now that you've
signed your soul to a record label, you can
finally begin to start exercising your rap skillz.
STEP ONE:
The Music
The first thing you have to realize about today's
rap music is that it's completely radio-ready. So,
with the help of your producer extraordinaire,
look for inspiration from past hits. Wait, never mind, just steal the beat and incorporate it
into your own music! Problem solved. Now you're
almost guaranteed a Top 10 hit on the Billboard charts--if the music you "borrowed" was
a hit back then, then you can only assume that it'll
be a hit today, right?
Make sure, however,
to remake the music completely in a synthesizer
to get that rap feel. It's important not to play
any real instruments so that the DJ friend you
have becomes famous and makes an album himself.
Turn up the base and get ready to write the
lyrics to your first hit song.
The
lyrics of a rap song rely on four things: 1.
rhyming, 2. the chorus (or da hook), 3. cursing,
and 4. sex. Also, make sure to say the "N"
word at least a dozen times; more than that is a
plus. With these four things in mind, you can
easily freestyle and make it up as you go along--but,
you're a beginner so, don't take it too fast, and
write the lyrics down. I've taken the liberty of
writing my very own rap song for the purposes of
this article, so read below to follow the model
of a typical rap song:
N*GGAAA!
N*gga dis, N*gga dat
Whateva happened to my f*cking hat?
Da hoe took it, holy sh*t
Betta give it back 'fo she get bit
N*gga gonna get f*cked hard
The bill's on the nightstand, give her my card
To meet her again, no guy would pass
'Cuz I wanna see her shake that ass!
Pimp!
DA
HOOK:
N*gga dis, N*gga dat
Whateva happened to my f*cking hat?
N*gga dis N*gga dat
Whateva happened to my f*cking hat?
And
that's all you have to write. That's it. Why?
Because you'll get at least 3 other rappers to
rap on the same song with you. That
leaves you with less work to do and more time to
focus in on being a superstar. Sure, you'll have
to pay them with every record you sell (as well
as your manager, producer, agent, and anybody
else involved with the record), but it's all
worth it, right? Hopefully, the sections they
write will be equally as good. One thing's for
certain: it'll follow the four things I talked
about before. One final thing: since da hook
usually determines the name of the song, you're
song will be named "N*gga dis, N*gga dat."
But for the radio-listening audience, the title
will be edited to "Bigga dis, Bigga dat."
It doesn't fit the context of the song, nor does
it make sense, but how is the audience gonna know
(or care?). With your song polished (and remixed
several times before it even hits the store
shelves) it's time to make a video!
STEP TWO:
The Video
The video of for "Bigga dis, Bigga dat"
(by Prof. Coldy G feat. DMX, Jay Z, and old tapes
of Notorious B.I.G) should be directed by only
one person: Hype Williams. Hype is the master of
the rap video. Most of his videos are a veritable
microcosm of the rap industry itself: flashy,
egocentric, and filled with black people. Hype
glamorizes the rap industry by putting lots of
scantily-clad, big-assed black women in his
videos, not to mention placing them in exotic
locales surrounded by high-priced sports cars. After you get Hype, make
sure to invite all your rapper friends to be in
the video. Obviously, they won't get paid (or
recognized), but who cares? They'll be on TV!
So,
your video should eventually play like this: you
pull up in a souped-up silver Bentley in front of
a beach front house. As you enter the house (and
realize that its full of your rapper friends and
women) you begin to rap and join the party. The
whole video is intertwined with slow motion cuts
of women groping you in the beach house Jacuzzi,
women groping you in the car, and women groping
you on the beach. Typical video stuff. The video
finally ends with you tossing dollar bills into
the eager crowd--all in slow motion, of course.
Now
sit back, relax, and watch your video played on
BET.
STEP
THREE: Getting Famous
This is the easy part. With your album loaded
with guest rappers, your guaranteed a platinum
selling record. Plus, with the face time you
receive thanks to the non-stop play of you video
by MTV and BET, you're sure to be recognized all
over the place. Touring should allow you to try
out new songs and in-store appearances show that
you give back to your fans. Make sure you stay
controversial, however, or else your growing
audience will get bored of you. If you do that,
then you've placed yourself as a top name in the
rap community. Congratulations. You're finally
famous.
Here's an added
bonus: your album is so popular that you receive
a Grammy nomination. Unfortunately, you'll
invariably lose to Will Smith, who wins it every
year.
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