Make
Your Own Spanish Television Show
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief : 03.09.02
They're
Not All Mexican
A little background is needed here: since I don't have
cable in my room, I'm forced to watch the channels
that are available--namely, non-cable channels and
Spanish television. After watching Univision and
Telemundo for several months now, Spanish television
shows evidently follow the same pattern.
You
basically have two kinds of shows: variety and soap
operas. Both follow general guide lines for
Spanish TV (lots of characters, good looking women,
not funny), but variety shows seem to be a bit easier
to do.
PREREQUISITES
Again,
when making your Spanish variety show, it should have
lots of cast members, a terribly gaudy set, and an
all-Mexican audience. You should give away
prizes in the middle of the show, like used pinatas,
whips, burros, and tortilla chips. Also, you
should hire a variety of musical guests and put on
terrible comedic skits with the cast members.
Once you've procured these things, it's time to hire
your archetypal cast.
THE
CAST
 THE
HOST: Don Francisco
Description:
In real life, Don Francisco hosts the Spanish variety
show Sabado Gigante, or Gigantic
Saturday. It's on for about three hours from 8
PM to 11 PM every Saturday. The show is an odd
mix of the Price Is Right, the Miss America Contest,
and the Tonight Show. Not surprisingly, the show
is amazingly popular because of its cast of hot women.
His
Purpose: Don Francisco is the perfect host because
he can speak Spanish (rimshot). He's
non-threatening is the absolute cliche Spanish TV
host.
Sample
Lines: Translated from Spanish:
"Welcome! Please to be here with our
show! My name is Don Francisco and we will be
entertaining you with the games and the lights and
such! You will also see many animals and very
beautiful ladies! The show will be started
now!" (He bursts into song. The
audience sings along.)
 THE
MUSIC: A Fucking Huge Mariachi Band
Description:
Every Spanish TV show seemingly has a hug mariachi
band. Obviously, it provides the music, but it
also provides the audience a sense of pride towards
their Mexican heritage. Or something.
Its
Purpose: To provide the music. The mariachi
band must play the shows theme song at the top of the
show and each time the show pauses and comes from
commercial. This should leave about 2 minutes
for the actual show to go on.
 THE
EYE CANDY: Amazingly Hot Spanish Women
Description:
Every Spanish TV show must have hot women in
them. There is simply no exception. If you
ever decide to watch Univision, you'll notice that
even the newscasts have good looking women in
them. These women should at least look
Spanish and accentuate their "R's" when they
speak. Also, they have to wear skimpy clothing.
Their
Purpose: To look good and present the prizes to
the winners. Oh yeah, and to dance every time
the mariachi band plays.
Sample
Lines: "I am thanking you! For
our next segment, I will now swallow a vast array of
food products for your enjoyment. I will eat
these cucumbers, bananas, and lollipops while I hop
around in this bathing suit!"
 THE
ENFORCER: Token Mexican Wrestler
Description:
All Mexican wrestlers look the same: they're a cross
between a bank robber and a gay superhero. Just
look at those costumes. They really don't seem
to have any purpose in the show, but they are there
anyway.
His
Purpose: He shows up occasionally to hand people
prizes, but he should always talk about how no one can
challenge him.
Sample
Lines: "Please, do not challenge me,
for I am The Red Chihuahua! I will be taking
your heart out if you choose to challenge me, so
please don't! If you do so, your rear will be
sore because of my foot will be in it in a sort of
kicking motion. Plainly, you cannot challenge
me, the Red Chihuahua!"
 THE
UGLINESS: Amazingly Ugly Woman With Heavy Make-Up
Description:
Though there are many hot women in Spanish TV shows,
there are also many ugly women. Fortunately,
there are only one or two in each show. Each
ugly woman looks almost manly, but an attempt to cover
up the masculinity with 27 layers of make-up, house
paint, and concrete seems ill fated.
His/Her
Purpose: The host or the wrestlers should make fun
of her constantly. In each show, she'll start
out very kindly, but eventually, she'll lose her
patience and yell at who ever is making fun of
her. She also thinks she is amazingly
beautiful. She/He is wrong.
Sample
Lines: "Ay! Do not be making the fun
towards me! Of course, these words cannot hurt
my beautiful face, but my mind is another
matter. I will now verbally curse you in the
Spanish language!"
 THE
COMEDIAN: Mexican Charlie Chaplin Impersonator
Description:
The Mexican Charlie Chaplin Impersonator never looks a
thing like the real Charlie Chaplin. Instead, he
should be short and his face should be painted
completely white. Then, add the patented
mustache and you're ready to go.
His
Purpose: He should never say anything. His
main purpose is to provide slapstick comedy for the
audience during pauses in the games and musical
numbers.
Sample
Lines: "..."
THE
STAPLES: Ricky Martin and Sammy Sosa
Description:
Ricky Martin initiated the so-called Latin Explosion
and has since appeared in many US and Spanish TV
shows. Sammy was thrust into the spotlight when
he and Mark McGwire challenged each other for the
homerun crown.
Their
Purpose: If the musical acts are thin, hire Ricky
Martin. If the guests are lackluster, then go
get Sammy. They're like your emergency plan if
the show that week sucks.
Sample
Lines: RICKY MARTIN: "Hey,
Sammy! Livin la vida loca! Yeah! She
bangs! Yeah!" SAMMY SOSA:
"Um... Iss soo reaall!!"
 |
|
 |
| Yeah.
Who can name a Ricky Martin song other than
"Livin La Vida Loca"? |
|
Sammy
Sez: "Is soo reeaal!!" |
As
you can plainly see, making your own Spanish
television show is muy facil. Just add
some beisbol, a little mariachi, some caliente
mujeres, and a muy fea mujer, and you're
set.
|
