Crack
Decides to Continue Ruining Lives
By Disco
Stu - Editor in Chief : 07.23.01
 COLOMBIA--In
a move that surprised many, the addictive drug, Crack,
has decided to continue ruining lives.
The
announcement caught some off-guard since Crack's
decision came in the middle of the narcotic-trading
season, rather than at the end of the year.
The
announcement was made during a press conference in the
warehouse of drug cartel magnate Fernando Peña in the
forests of Colombia.
"I
came to my decision through a lot of
soul-searching," said an emotional Crack.
"My decision to keep ruining lives is one that
may upset a few people. But, like I always say,
it's better to be late a year than to be early."
Many
had long speculated Crack's retirement at the end of
the year due to inconsistent sales, a sharp decrease
in consumption, and the inability to compete with
younger, more popular drugs such as ecstasy and
crystal meth.
"These
young drugs are giving me a run for my money the past
few years, but I think I've held my own," said
the powdery narcotic.
Crack
first rose to fame and national status when it was
promoted from the Colombian farm system to the big
leagues, or the hippie culture of the late 1960s and
early 70s. It went to have a prolific impact on
the world of illegal drugs, organized crime, and
illegal immigration.
In
it's first full year as a classified narcotic, it was
put in the Top 10 list of the FBI's most trafficked
drugs. It eventually unseated the then-king
drug, marijuana; soon after, many recognized crack's
place in the pantheon of great illegal drugs.
Some
of Crack's achievements include a 43% lifetime purity
average, best among all drugs. It has stolen over 25
million lives, racked up more than 3,000 celebrity
addicts, and became the first drug ever to garner $1
Trillion in quarterly sales.
During
the press conference, Crack cited a lack of world
domination as his reason for staying.
"I'm
still hungry. I've won the United States and
most of South America, but for me, that's not
enough. I still want to be the champion. I
still have to win over Europe and I've barely cracked
Asia. Uh, no pun intended."
When
his longevity was questioned , Crack gave this
repsonse: "I may be an old and tired drug, but
the passion for ruining lives is still with me."
So
far this trafficking season, Crack has a 23.1% purity
average, 8 million people killed, and $40 million
sold.
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