NEWS:
Issue 1, Vol. I
Molybdenum
Quits the Periodic Table of Elements
By Disco
Stu
- Editor in Chief
SWEDEN - The
world of science was rocked today when the
popular 42nd element, Molybdenum, announced that
it was stepping down from the Periodic Table of
Elements at the end of the week. The silver-gray
refractory metal finally came to a decision after
spending the weekend "soul-searching"
at the site of its discovery in Sweden. "This
is probably the most difficult thing I've had to
do in my life, but it has to be done," he
said in a press conference earlier this morning.
"I just want to say, however, that there's
no animosity between me or any of the other
metals in the d-block, or the Table of
Elements in general. I have nothing but nice
things to say about my time with the elements."
Though Molybdenum never named any specific reason
for leaving, sources close to the metal cite
creative differences with Tungsten (W) as the
probable reason. After leaving at the end of the
week, Molybdenum plans to move to Los Angeles to
start an acting career.
'Bruce,'
The First Openly Gay Hurricane, Appears Off
Atlantic Coast
By Disco
Stu
- Editor in Chief
CENTRAL
ATLANTIC - Coming out in a windy, watery burst of
homosexuality, 'Bruce,' the first openly gay
hurricane, formed off the coast of the United
States yesterday. Meteorologists suspect that
this Category Three hurricane will have the same
affects as other heterosexual weather phenomena,
though they fear that it may "turn
everything fruity." Other weather
forecasters, however, are already calling it the
"handsomest and best dressed" hurricane
since the sexually ambiguous 'Hurricane Chris.'
When asked if he was upset at the measly Category
Three ranking, Bruce responded only with a
haughty "Oh, be nice!"
Jesus
Beats 'Millionaire'
By Disco
Stu
- Editor in Chief
HEAVEN - The
CBS miniseries Jesus soundly defeated
ABC's ratings juggernaut 'Who Wants to be a
Millionaire' late last May. Jesus was
the first show of any kind to go opposite of
Millionaire and defeat it. Executives for the ABC
network aren't too worried, however, since it was
just a miniseries. "We believe that our key
demographics will enjoy our next bunch of shows.
Each one is environmentally safe, recyclable, and
spans all religions and ethnic groups."
After finally running out of clichés to describe
the upcoming Millionaire shows, the executives
returned to their corner offices. When asked if
He was surprised at the ratings, Christ responded
"Surprised about the ratings? Of course not!
I'm Jesus for God sake..."
Ziggy
Arrested for D.U.I.
By Disco
Stu
- Editor in Chief
MIAMI, FL -
The lovable and popular comic strip character, Ziggy, was arrested Monday night for drunk
driving. He was pulled over near an exit on
Interstate 90 and was believed to be partying all
night long. In addition, sources note that the
bald comic character had in his possession a zip-loc
bag full of marijuana, though this has yet to be
confirmed. The arrest is only one of the many
heartbreaking mishaps in Ziggy's life which
include drug addiction, alcoholism, and a brief
stint in the porn industry. A close friend of the
hairless funnyman attributed the declining
popularity of Ziggy's comic strip as the probable
cause of his hitting rock-bottom. Ziggy's agent
declined to comment.
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