NEWS:
Issue 2, Vol. I
Microsoft
to Merge with Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.
Government Fears Weekday Monopoly
By Disco
Stu
- Editor in Chief
 SEATTLE - Microsoft owner Bill Gates
announced today that his company would be merging
with three weekdays: Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.
The announcement did not come as a shock to many
business analysts, citing the fact that Microsoft
had been courting the three weekdays for several
months. Insiders note that the company was also
negotiating with Thursday, though talks broke
down after two weeks. Gates also said that each
weekday would change its names to Micromonday, Microtuesday, and
Microfriday, forever changing
the phrase "Thank God it's Friday" to
"Thank Gates it's Microfriday." In the
same press conference, Gates announced a new
software program that would "revolutionize
how weekdays operate." Gates said that Friday
2000 would allow you to access seconds,
minutes, and hours faster than ever before and
provides an improved interface for operation.
After the conference, Microsoft stocks shot up 56%. Government officials scrambled to prep their
response the the merger, and later described it
as " a threat to U.S. economy and to
economic competition in general."
Petitions
from Men to Rearrange Alphabet Finally Puts
"U" and "I" Together
By Disco
Stu
- Editor in Chief
WASHINGTON D.C.
- After months of lobbying, men all over the
United States can finally give one thing they
have promised to women. With over 2 million
signatures, the men headed to Washington D. C. At
the annual Global Language and Alphabet Summit
held in Washington D.C. this weekend, editors of
the Oxford English Dictionary, along with the
editors of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, agreed
to put the letters "U" and "I"
together. "The sequence of letters
definitely changes the way the song goes,"
says Oxford Dictionary editor Nigel Ansel. "Other
than that I don't see any other problems arising
from the change." Ansel, however, didn't
recognize that men all over the English speaking
world will lose a staple of the pick-up line
arsenal. They can no longer assume that "If
I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put you
and I together."
Brooklyn
Resident Sues Creators of "World's Toughest
Crossword Puzzle" for False Advertisement
By Disco
Stu
- Editor in Chief
BROOKLYN, NY -
Long time Brooklyn resident Johnson Stewart is
suing the New York Daily News and the creators of
the "World's Toughest Crossword Puzzle"
for false advertisement. Stewart said that he had
always done the regular crossword puzzle found
next to the "World's Toughest" for
decades, though finally decided to start the
"tougher" one after finishing the
puzzle in record time. "When I started doing
it," says Stewart, "I said to myself, 'Hey,
this isn't that tough.' That's when I
knew I had to act." The 63 year-old Stewart
told his lawyer, Meyer Weindbaum, about the
puzzle and decided to take the case immediately to
court. In a released statement from Weindbaum's
office, he says "Mr. Stewart believes that
he didn't get his money's worth after doing the 'World's
Toughest Crossword Puzzle.' We believe that
proper action had to be taken to stop this gross
exploitation of the common crossword puzzle
solver." The Daily News and the creators of
the Toughest Crossword declined to comment,
though insiders say they plan to settle out of
court.
Rock Band
Eating
Babies to Tour Drum Kit
By Disco
Stu
- Editor in Chief
LOS ANGELES -
The rock band Eating Babies announced
yesterday that they will be going on a worldwide
tour...sort of. A day after the deaths of the
lead singer, lead guitarist, and the basist under
suspicious circumstances, the drummer for the
band, Leon Lee, confirmed the dates for the tour
with his agent, Dolph Parker. "Yes, we think
that the, ahem, accidental deaths of the other
band members are very unfortunate, though as we
say in the 'biz, the show must go on," said
Parker. Lee said that he'll be playing all the
band's hits during the 'After Death Tour',
including "Baby, You'll Always Be My Bitch,"
"Mike Tyson: Hero," and "That's
Not My Pool Stick." When asked how and why
they were going to tour the drum kit, Lee firmly refused to respond, but showed off the new
souvenir "After Death" T-shirts. When
asked how they got the shirts so soon after the
deaths of the other band mates, both Lee and
Parker immediately ended the press conference.
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