NEWS:
Issue 3, Vol. I
Toaster
Goes on Strike
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief
CLEVELAND -
With support from the Toaster's Union of America (TUA), toaster Model A317-A went on strike after
working for the Johnson family of Cleveland, Ohio
for two years. Picketing outside the family's
kitchen, A317-A refused to work until all his
demands are met. "Yeah, I'm here to show
that I'm serious about my work as a toaster, and
I'm not going to let some family undermine that,"
said the toaster. His demands include fewer
toasting of bagels, more potato bread, less hours
plugged-in, and a weekly cleaning. "I don't
think my demands are anything over-the-top,"
says the ticked-off toaster. In the meantime, the
Johnson family has bought what A317-A calls a
"scab toaster." The Johnson's say it
works just as hard as A317-A and for half the
price to boot. "I don't understand,"
says Mrs. Johnson. "It's just a toaster."
The TUA and A317-A say that they will strike
until only one is left standing.
John
Travolta Doesn't Wash Hands After Using Bathroom. Battlefield: Earth
Still Sucks
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief
LOS ANGELES -
John Travolta was spotted late last week in a
high scale Hollywood restaurant. Sources say that
the star of the films Grease,
Saturday Night Fever, and Pulp Fiction
was having a quiet evening dinner with his wife,
Kelly Preston, presumably talking about how to
send their kids to college after finding out the
box office take of Battlefield: Earth.
Travolta ordered lobster bisque, a chicken dish,
and a chocolate chip cheescake for desert. His
wife, meanwhile, had the soup du jour, though
complained to the chef that the soup didn't taste
the same as yesterday's soup du jour. After
finishing their meal, witnesses noticed that
Travolta did not wash his hands after using the
bathroom in the restaurant. "I was shocked,"
says a witness, who requeted anonimity. "I
thought he was a better man than that, but I
guess after Battlefield: Earth, you don't
care about shit." Travolta refused to
comment on the incident. More as this story
develops.
New
Miracle Drug Introduced; Has Subtle Side Effects
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief
WHITE PLAINS,
NY - Scientist for the pharmaceutical company,
Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, introduced a new
miracle drug earlier this week that "has the
ability to cure anything from the common cold to
the ebola virus." This breakthrough in
medicine, however, has some subtle side effects.
"Yes, it has side effects," noted head
scientist, Dr. Nguyen Van Faulk. "But only
little kinds." Side effects include
headaches, dry mouth, and cold sweats. Van Faulk
continued. "Yes those are three of them.
Others include, loss of bladder control, loss of
hearing, loss of sight, and the inability to say
the letter 'B.'" When asked if there were
any more side effects, Van Faulk said, "Yes,
several more. They include, severe trauma to the
brain and spinal chord, 'brain freeze,'
disintegration of the genitals, hairy palms, and
even death. There are a few more, but I forgot
them." The miracle drug will be available
for prescription by next year pending approval
from the FDA.
Dennis
Miller Named New Monday Night Football Anchor
By Disco Stu - Editor in
Chief
LOS ANGELES -
Executives for ABC and Monday Night Football
announced earlier this month that Dennis Miller
would replace Boomer Esiason as co-anchor of the
popular football program. Miller, known for the
arcane references in his comedy, will join
current host Al Michaels and fellow new-comer,
Dan Fouts, in the booth to call games. Many
sports analysts have said "wow" to the
decision and the fans of the show have given
Miller an overwhelming "thumbs up."
"He's a smart guy," says Daily News
sports writer Mike Lupica. When asked how he felt
about the job, Miller noted, "Well, I'm
about as excited as Russ Meyers while watching
the dailies of Go! Pussycat Kill, Kill, Kill.
It's like a I'm young Charlemagne waiting for my
coronation as the Holy Roman Emperor, ya ya.
Hopefully, it'll be as amusing as slapping Pavlov's
dog with a 1939 New York Times and waiting for
the anti-diluvian wheelworks to start operating
in the World's Fair, chaco." Yes, good. We
get it.
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