NEWS:
Issue 4, Vol. II
Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles to Reunite
By Sideshow Rob
- Senior Editor
 LOS ANGELES - Those
loveable heroes in a halfshell, the Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles, reunited last week with the
help of Leonardo's agent and several lengthy
phone calls. The former leader of the group,
Leonardo, has recently been strapped for cash
after bombing in such films as "Leonardo and
the Eloquent Elephants of Equador" so Leo
says his reunion "will put some green back
in the green machine! Turtle power!"
The reunion was hard to organize as Donatello was
working on the side as the controversial Tinky
Winky on the PBS show "Teletubbies" and
Raphael was under contract of the Animal Planet
as the wise-cracking Tootle the Turtle.
Luckily, each of them were able to obtain a lease
from their work temporarily. Michaelangelo, the
party turtle, was not under contract at the time;
as many people may know, after TMNT went out of
existence, Mikey hit the bottle pretty hard, and
his obsession with pizza eventually ballooned his
weight to an atrocious 740 pounds! In 1994,
Michaelangelo succumbed to a failed liver.
Splinter, the wise sensei of the group, was also
unable to attend the reunion, as he is currently
serving 20 years without parole for his
involvement in the gnawing deaths of 12,000 baby
turtles in the Bronx Zoo. Leonardo, Donatello, and Raphael did not comment on either
missing party, preferring to announce their plans
for their comeback to TV as the MATSFC (Middle
Aged Turtles Strapped For Cash). UPN has
signed the turtle trio to a 2 episode contract
and are already boasting the new hit of the
millennium.
Wall
Street Wiz-Kid Makes Millions; Buys Porn
By Disco Stu - Editor in Chief
NEW YORK, NY- When
brokerage company president William Meyers (TD
Waterhouse) saw his clent list last week, he
noticed that the top money maker for the week was
one T.J. Jones. After calling the said client,
Meyers found that Mr. Jones was nothing more than
a 15 year old boy using his dad's account with
the company to make his own investments. The
young Jones had made a staggering $7,500,000 in
just two weeks selling and trading stocks. His
portfolio included Yahoo!, Starbucks, and the
company which publishes a number of adult
magazines, among others. His parents were none
too pleased, though Meyers has named Jones a
stock "whiz-kid" and quickly made him a
part-time broker. When asked what he intended to
do with the money, Jones decided that he would
"Probably buy lots of porn."
Amish
Introduce New Business Ventures to Public
By Disco Stu - Editor in Chief
LANCASTER, PA
- Cotton Hawthorne, leader of the Amish Union of
Bread and Wheat-Related Products Workers (AUBW),
called a surprise press conference to announce
new business ventures for the Amish. Though
Hawthorne couldn't be at the press conference in
Lancaster, PA, himself, he did take questions
while at Boston, MA, via satellite. "I'm
sorry, verily, that I could not be thine in
person," Cotton said. "But yon meeting
with the shipping company dost keepeth me in yon
Boston." Among the ventures he announced was
a startup internet company, TheAmish.net, in
which prospective customers can buy Amish
products (bread, and more bread), as well as keep
up with the latest Amish fashion trends. They
also plan to launch a Men's Magazine in the vain
of Maxim, Gear, or GQ. The magazine, tentatively
called Full Clothed Illustrated, will
feature the "most womanly," as Cotton
calls them, beauties in the Amish community.
Hawthorne notes that the pictorials will be very
provocative and "will occasionally show thee
some wrist or ankle-eth. And if thou ist lucky, a
knee." Though the press conference was
productive overall, the presentation was
repeatedly interrupted by calls from Hawthorne's
cell phone. The calls stopped, however, after
Cotton told the caller to "chill." More
as the story develops.
Zookeeper
Shoots Adulterer
By Disco Stu
- Editor in Chief
SAN DIEGO, CA
- Michael Robles, a mailman, was shot last week
with a tranquilizer gun near the San Diego Zoo.
Mr. Robles is in stable condition an St. Agnes
Hospital in downtown San Diego. The incident all
started when Robles was going about his rounds
delivering the mail. Each day, he stops by the
Mayo residence to see Mrs. Geraldine Mayo, wife
of San Diego Zoo elephant-keeper John Mayo. Mrs.
Mayo had long carried out an extra-marital affair
with Robles, ever since her husband had taken a
job at the zoo nearly 6 months ago. Mr. Mayo,
however, found out about the affair after seeing
the mailman sneak out the back of his house;
"That face was imprinted in my mind,"
he later said. Surprisingly, Robles was at the
zoo the same day an elephant somehow escaped the
holding area. Mr. Mayo was in charge of putting
down the elephant with the tranquilizer gun, but
instead shot Robles. When asked to comment, Mr.
Mayo said that he "didn't have anything
against Robles." He just "really likes
irony."
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