NEWS:
Issue 5, Vol. II
 Santa
Gives Up
By Disco
Stu - Editor in Chief
NORTH POLE - In a move that shocked everyone from pole
to pole, the beloved jolly fat-man, Santa Claus,
announced that he was quitting after this year's
presents were delivered. Making the announcement on
December 23, atop his North Pole Mansion, Santa said
that he's had the best time being the bearer of gifts
for children all over the world. "But my archaic
means of making and delivering toys," he
continued, "coupled with the overwhelming and
growing demand of children everywhere has led me to
this very difficult decision. Basically, I'm not gonna
deliver toys anymore because there are way too many
Christian kids out there." Santa's magical
sleigh, which carries tons and tons of toys during the
lighting-fast ride are carried by his trusty reindeer
who have been prone to injury since age has taken its
toll. Some say Santa was pressured into retirement by
his elves and reindeer, though evidence on that is
unfounded. Other than "too many Christian
kids," another probable reason for his retirement
(which he failed to mention) was pressure from the
gift bearer's of other religions: Hannukah Herschel
(Jewish), Jihad Muhammed (Islam), Ganesha the Giver
(Hindi), and Father Frost (Communist) have all voiced
displeasure with Santa's popularity and obvious
monopoly on the "business." Santa is
undecided on what he wants to do after his last ride,
but he's leaning towards hosting his own syndicated
talk show.
Christmas
Eclipse: That Almost Rhymes!
By Sideshow
Rob - Senior Editor
NORTH POLE - This year, Santa Claus seems to have
given the world a stunningly beautiful gift in the
form of a solar eclipse. At about 11 AM Eastern
on Christmas morning, the eclipse will be visible to
most of North America. What most people don't
know is the cause of this particular eclipse. Apparently,
after astronomers saw that Santa, the jolly old man,
had grown even more jolly than usual, "450 pounds
full of jolly to be exact," snickered scientist
James Ardila, they compared his usual delivery times
and took into account his new added
"baggage", concluding that the new delivery
would take more time and cause Santa to finish at
approximately 10:50 AM on Christmas Day, according to
calculations taken by the Columbia University research
team. "He would arrive at the North Pole
around 11:05 AM," Ardila stated, "but he
will be in the air for about 15 minutes, and with his
girth, will block out the sun for that time! ."
People in the Yukon Territories should
especially be careful to stay in their homes during
this time as Santa, after billions of devoured milk
and cookies, gets a bit, as Canadians might say,
"nauseous, eh?" Merry Christmas!
Metallica
Sue Themselves
By Disco
Stu - Editor in Chief
 DENMARK
- Metallica drummer and major-league whiner, Lars
Ulrich, decided to give his band a Christmas present
by suing themselves. Having run out of people and
companies to sue, Ulrich said that it was time for his
band to move on and sue themselves. This comes right
after a long string of legal actions which involved
Metallica suing Napster (for piracy), a French perfume
company (for copyright infringement), a little mom and
pop shop in the west somewhere (for copyright
infringement again), the Sun and Moon (for
being there), and finally Jesus (for being too Holy).
Though the last two cases have been dropped, Ulrich
insists that he must sue himself and his band because
"he has a suing problem that can't be
stopped." He then added "Please, help"
while giving our field reporter papers for divorce.
Duh
Magazine to Launch in January
By Disco
Stu - Editor in Chief
NEW YORK CITY - The new president of publishing giant
Conde Nast, Jerry Burnett, announced earlier this
month a lineup of new magazines to launch within the
first quarter of the new year. Among those announced
was a new computer-related magazine, GeekQ,
or Geek Quarterly; a religion-based/orgasm
monthly magazine, O My God; as well as
another magazine by Oprah Winfrey, bearing the initial
of her last name, W, to go along with her
current magazine, O. The most intriguing of
all the magazines announced was Duh, which
focused on the "obvious" as former Talk
magazine editor, Tina Brown, noted. Brown, the
editor-in-chief of Duh said that
groundbreaking stories like "Smoking is Bad for
You," "Garbage Smells," and "How
to Count to Nothing" will all appear in the first
issue, which launches tentatively on January 30. Later
issues will include award winning Rolling Stone publisher
Jann Wenner's interview with himself, an expose on why
the sky is blue, and field reports from war-torn
France. Duh magazine comes out on January 30
in newsstands and fine bookstores everywhere for
$3.95.
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