NEWS:
Issue 6, Vol. II
 Computers
Cause Impotence
By Disco Stu - Editor in Chief
SILICON VALLEY, CA - Earlier
this week, the FCC made a statement concerning the safety of
personal computers and monitors, claiming that studies
indicate they may cause impotence. "Yes, we believe
there might be a huge conspiracy involving makers of computer
monitors in conjunction with the pharmaceutical company,
Phizer," said FCC spokesman Ari Palmer. Phizer
would stand to make billions from "unable" genitalia
because the manufacture the miracle impotence drug, Viagra.
"It seems that people are most effected while 'beating
it' during daily porn searches. And trust me on this
one, I... not that I surf for porn or anything, I mean,
there's nothing wrong with it, but... ah, crap," said
Palmer, trailing off. Studies show that monitors project
a yet unnamed wave frequency that can effect testosterone
levels in men and, at times, estrogen levels in women.
The FCC study suggests that impotence could reach epidemic
levels since "everyone searches for lots and lots of
porn." When contacted, Phizer refused to
comment.
Oprah is a Sham
By Timsgay
- Staff Writer
CHICAGO, IL - Oprah's
book club formally announced last week that they don't even
read books. You want the truth? You came here
didn't you? You must be looking for the "truth."
Well here it is. People who watch Oprah don't even
have the time to read books. You think that reading is
something they do before they go to bed? Silly rabbit
Trix are for kids. People who watch Oprah only pretend
to read a book before they go to bed. What's really
happening is that they're just too fat, old and ugly, so they
spend all their time wondering how come their husbands haven't
"done their duty" or to put it more plainly
"fucked their wives" in so Goddamn long. You
think hot chicks and satisfied lesbians watch Oprah? OH
NO you best think about that one again girlfriend. Come
on girlfriends! Do you even think Oprah can read? Hell
no. Why do you think she called her magazine
"O"? It's because that's the only letter of the
alphabet she knows. Mm-hhmmm. Sister's been in
trouble ever since she couldn't open the Hooked-On-Phonics
book. Come on girlfriends! You think someone could keep
giving shout-outs to girlfriends in mid-sentence and
understand a complete thought? Come on girlfriends!
Of course this all comes as a shock to us here at
Renegade Monkey Nuns because, well, we believed her. She
can make people cry and that scares us. Have you seen my
mom? She told me to wait here three hours ago. *sniff*
Well screw her and screw Oprah she can't read! Can I get
an AMEN!?
The Tribe Has Spoken -
Congress Passes Catch Phrase Law
By Sideshow
Rob - Senior Editor
CAPITOL HILL, WASHINGTON D.C.
- Early
this week by a narrow margin, Congress passed a law relating
to a blossoming part of American culture today. Because
of the enormous growth of popular catchphrases in the past
year, Congress has declared a restriction, limiting the
introduction of catchphrases to one every month, with
violators to receive sentences of listening to their
catchphrase over and over again for twenty-four hours, deemed
"The worst form of torture since the rack... I like
it!" by Congressman and Senate Minority Leader Dick
Gephardt. President George W. Bush, who signed the bill
today, said "Is this your final answer?" and
snickered like a twelve-year old, at which point the President
was dragged away for a day of Regis. The bill also
places a one year expiration date on all catchphrases, meaning
the end of Austin Powers' "Yeah, baby!",
Terminator's "Hasta la vista, baby", and others.
However, a protective clause named the "Homer
Simpson Exception" will be placed on the catchphrases
with over ten years of popularity, such as the Star Wars'
"May the Force will be you" and "D'oh!",
the quote which the exception was created for. Protests from
Fonzie fans and Gary Coleman boosters are already
underway.
Naked Girls to Dance
for Money
By Disco Stu
- Editor in Chief
HOBOKEN, NJ - Local patrons
and visitors alike flocked to "Schwing Dong," this
weekend, mainly to see naked girls dance for money.
"Schwing Dong," described as a 'gentleman's drinking
club for males of discriminating tastes,' attracts up to 1000
males a night and often higher numbers during weekends and St.
Patrick's Day. The club features a bar with a bartender,
scantily clad waitresses selling everything from beer to
cigarettes, and exotic dancers. These "exotic
dancers" are by far the bar's most popular feature.
The dancers often prance around wearing next to nothing around
a pole on a badly lit stage. 'Crystal,' a 19 year old
dancer at "Schwing Dong," enjoys the work saying,
"I like get like a lot of money for like college and
stuff. Like, I'm only doing this like because it's for
school, not like because I'm, like, a slut."
Regulars, like Joel Remy, for example, enjoy the stage dances
of the girls, saying, "Them girls got big tits, and
such." The entry fee is $10 and there is a 2 drink
minimum.
|
