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Jesus Thanks Rappers, Other Jews in Honorary Oscar Award Speech 
By Disco Stu - Editor in Chief : 04.22.02

LOS ANGELES, CA--In a very emotional speech last month, Jesus Christ, the only son of God, managed to thank many colleagues and friends, including rappers and fellow Jews. When award presenter Dustin Hoffman finally announced Jesus' Honorary Oscar during the 2nd hour of the show, the Messiah erupted with tears of joy.

"Two-thousand years! It's been two-thousand years!" Jesus cried, alluding to the last time the son of God appeared on Earth. He paid tribute to the special occasion of the Oscar. "This moment is so much bigger than Me! This moment is for every savior of man who has come before Me. This moment is for all the Jewish people who have been looking for answers. This moment is for every Messiah/actor/historical figure who has been given a chance because this door has been opened!"

Jesus Christ has long been the subject of many Hollywood epics, including The Greatest Story Ever Told and The Last Temptation of Christ. The Academy decided to give Him the special Oscar last year.

"I'm so honored that the Academy has chosen Me to be the vessel of this honor," He cried.

He then proceeded to thank the people he felt deserved acknowledgement. "I'd like to thank the Twelve Disciples, for their aid could never have made this possible. I'd like to thank my peeps, the Jews. I'd like to thank all the rappers that have thanked Me over the the years."

He continued to thank others. "I'd like to thank my lawyer, Meyer Weindbaum for setting these Hollywood deals up. I'd like to thank my Dad, because without Him, I wouldn't be here. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Jesus is currently negotiating a lead role in the new John Woo action film starring Bruce Willis and Rob Schneider.

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Oscar Time!

By Norm : 03.20.02

It's middle March and that means it's time to break out the red carpet, the champagne and the weed...oops, forget that last one...for the annual Academy Awards. Let's go through the nominees in the top 6 categories and figure out who will be taking home those funny looking statues.

Also check the Renegade Monkey Nuns article archive or the issue archive.

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