Has-Beens:
Musicians from the 1980s and Early 1990s
By Disco
Stu - Editor in Chief : Issue 6, Vol. II
The
1980s "began" in 1983 and ended in 1992. Have you
heard the music from this period? Most of it is terrible.
Almost all of the popular music was sung by aerosoled hair bands
with tons of make-up on their face, or by low-grade Madonna
wannabes. Plus, the majority of the music was produced with
synthesizers with the base turned way up. By the beginning
of the grunge movement in the mid-90s the people who rose the
highest by riding the 1908s music wave, had dropped to rock
bottom. Here are some of the people who rose the highest and
have fallen the hardest...
 10.
Kriss Kross
Rise:
They made their mark in the early 1990s as child rappers with
"Jump," a 'Simon says' sort of dance song that was very
popular with the "kids." They also popularized the
short-lived trend of wearing clothes backwards... Man, that
was so lame.
Fall:
Unfortunately, both members of Kriss Kross had a hard time
getting along with each other. They haven't released an
album since 1996, and even their last release was a bomb.
Everyone got over the "Jump" song and no one gave a shit
about the clothes thing.
Where
are They Now? There have tons of rumors about their come
back. Fans have been eagerly waiting for a new album from
the rappers. Just check out this enthusiastic fan testimony
from Artist
Direct's message boards:
Thu
Apr 27 20:33:47 PDT 2000
203.34.176.3
rapKILLER
criss
cross ARE A PAIR OF FAGGOTS!!!!!! LONG LIVE ROCK N' ROLL!!!!!! We
REAL musicians have had a gutfull of pathetic rap & hip hop
shit permeating the airways. Are you people REALLY that dumb (YO
YO, Dum De Der, etc, etc) that you can't even speak without that
pathetic New York Street shit slang. As for 2-fuckhead-pac, it was
a GREAT day when he was killed. The only problem is, he made those
idiotic speaking recordings - "for my' fellow racist 'niggaz".
Fuck all "niggaz". Racist shit they are. (niggaz are not
to be confused with decent black people[non-racists]) rap &
hip hop are non musical shit. any fool with no musical knowlege
whatsover can get a computer to make the "music" for
him/her/it, then they speak pathetic shit in an accent like racist
street shit-for -brains that aren't worth shitting on. As for the
dumb cunts (turntablists) who do that stupid record scratching, i
mean, YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKIN' KIDDING!!! Children can get away
with being dumb asses but any adult who is that stupid to be into
the above pathetic shit needs to be taken out back & shot.
Before the 90's, R. & B. meant rhythm n blues. Now it
obviously means rap & bop. And this idiotic speaking to hard
rock bands, sell out fuckhead cunts they are. If it's speaking as
opposed to singing, then it's fuckin' rap shit and as such, it is
absolutely fuckin' unacceptable. The above pathetic shit will be
DEAD in another few years as the general masses grow collectively
more intelligent, and we ALL return to where the shit REALLY
happens - "ROCK N' ROLL". Unfortunatley, the latter part
of the 20th century created a lot of dumb shitheads (rap & hip
hop). That will change as we ROCK N' ROLLers KILL THE rap &
hip hop SHIT. STUPID, STUPID, LITTLE rap & hip
Nobody
has rabid fans like Kriss Kross!
 9.
Guns N Roses
Rise:
Unlike most of the music in 1980s, the music that Guns N Roses
produced was actually GOOD. Some of the songs that led them
to the top were "Welcome to the Jungle," "Sweet
Child O Mine," "My Michelle," and "November
Rain." Band members Axl Rose (who dated Victoria's
Secret model Stephanie Seymour, by the way) and lead guitarist
Slash were the important nucleus of the band who, despite being
asses, made beautiful music together. But not in the sexual
sense.
Fall:
By the end of the 80s, Guns N Roses were the biggest band in
the world. They began making epic songs like the nine minute
(classic) love song "November Rain," which featured
Seymour in the video. Despite their success early in the
decade, in-fighting between the band members led to their
temporary break-up in 1996.
Where
are They Now? Guns N Roses are back! Well, sort off.
Slash left the group permanently in 1996 and Rose went into
seclusion soon after... But, Rose retained the band name and
recently hired a new lead guitarist, bassist, and drummer.
Now, Guns N Roses, sans Slash and the rest of the original band
members, are attempting to make a comeback by touring the country
non-stop. My guess is, no one will care.
8.
and 7. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson
Rise:
These two were like the Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera
of the late 80s, though Debbie and Tiffany are not nearly as
hot. Or popular. Or talented. But, anyway, they
made their careers on singing sweet as cotton candy pop tunes that
could give you cavities. Both of these pop starlets were (over)played
on Top 40 radio stations and constantly cracked the Top 10 with
their singles.
Fall:
They grew up. That's how the fell from fame. Also,
they suck.
Where
are They Now? Debbie, uh I mean, DEBORAH Gibson, as she likes
to be called these days has appeared in a bunch of plays and
musicals on Broadway. Tiffany, meanwhile, has returned to
her redneck roots (she grew up in the South) and released a
country album... that nobody bought. HAHA.
6.
Hair Bands
Rise:
Hair Band music is probably the worst music ever.
Ever. But, it was popular in the 1980s because of groups
like Twisted Sister, Motley Crue, Poison, and to an extent, Bon
Jovi and Van Halen. Though the music was often panned
by critics, their backstage antics usually made the
newspapers. A lot of hair bands developed reputations of
excess, complete with lots of groupies, drugs, and alcohol.
It was this decadence that often made a Hair Band successful.
Fall:
The excesses eventually caught up to these freaks and they
ended up spending most of their money. The Hair Band era
suffered a similar fate to that of the Disco movement, succumbing
to a new wave of popular music. In this case, the Grunge
Movement of the early 90s swept these bands away.
Where
are They Now? Though most of these groups have broken up due
to the Grunge Movement of the mid 90s, you can see them regularly
in VH1's Behind the Music.
5.
New Kids On the Block
Rise:
Whereas Debbie Gibson and Tiffany were like the Britney Spears
and Christina Aguilera of the 80s, the New Kids On the Block were the Backstreet Boys and NSYNC of the 80s. I forgot the song
they sang, but it was really popular. I mean, really popular.
Some of them even got laid a lot. And stuff.
Fall:
Lack of marketing, new hits, and talent eventually led to the
break up of Joey McIntyre, Jordan Knight, Donny Wahlberg, and
those other two.
Where
are They Now? Joey McIntyre and Jordan Knight continue to
make pop "music" and make regular appearances on
MTV. Donny Wahlberg has turned into an actor (like his
brother, Mark), and the other two... I have no idea.
Frankly, I don't think anybody cares what happened to the other
two. Actually, I think I heard those two were dead from
massive drug overdoses. Or alive... I'm not that sure.
Oh well.
 4.
MC Hammer
Rise:
It's HAMMER TIME! This Atlanta native helped to
integrate rap into the mainstream with such Top 10 hits as "2
Legit 2 Quit" and "Can't Touch This." His
baggy clothes and fast dancing soon became popular
nationwide. He made tons of money, and his record company
backed him up with huge, lavish concert stages.
Fall:
Even though he made lots of money, he eventually went
bankrupt. Why? Because he spent all of his money on
fast cars, motorcycles, airplanes, and horses. Plus, the man
was fucking called "Hammer" for crying out loud.
Eventually, he couldn't keep up with his loss of money and stopped
making music.
Where
are They Now? MC Hammer, uh, I mean, Rev. MC
Hammer, as he likes to be called, now has his own Gospel show,
where he combines his own brand of music with his faith. I
haven't seen it, but I'm betting that I won't be able to touch
it. I'm also betting that it is very legit. So legit,
in fact, that it won't quit.
 3.
Milli Vanilli
Rise:
Rob and Fab (Milli VanillI) made their mark on music history
with "Girl You Know It's True," a pop song that
immediately went to the Top 10. Despite the fact that all of
their songs were lip synched, they garnered success with a
multi-platinum selling album and a successful
concert.
Fall:
Well, where do I begin? Despite being panned by critics,
their album sold millions of copies and they were eventually
nominated for a Best New Artist Grammy. They didn't think
they would win, but lo and behold, they did. The jig was
up! They were eventually forced to give the awards back
after revealing that those were not their voices on the album, but
someone else's. Rob and Fab tried to go the straight route
and do an album where they actually sing, but once that CD was
released, it was critically panned and sold, like, 10 copies.
Where
are They Now? One of them committed suicide. I don't
know which one it was, but the other one (the one that's alive)
has tried to shed his Milli Vanilli past and actually sing and
write his own songs. Needless to say, he has been (and will
be) unsuccessful.
 2.
Vanilla Ice
Rise:
Rap of the late 80s and early 90s culminated with the release
of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" which sampled the
bassline of a David Bowie-Queen penned song. "Ice Ice
Baby" was the first rap song in music history to hit the
Number 1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart. That's
pretty amazing, considering that fact that he's white. Not
just "white," but REALLY white. He just copied MC
Hammer pretty much. Nevertheless, he was mega-popular, and
the studio eventually allowed him to do his own movie...
Fall:
...but it really sucked. Vanilla Ice's movie, Cool As
Ice, which
contained Ice's classic line "Drop the zero
and get with the hero," made about $1 million, despite a
$10 million budget. He also failed to make anymore hits and
has since been pushed back to music's backdrop.
Where
are They Now? He released a rap-rock album that completely
tanked. Fellow white rapper Eminem has been compared to
Vanilla Ice, though the talent gap is extremely wide. Ice
has been often challenged Eminem (not in person, of course) to a
free-styling contest to see who the ultimate white rapper really
is. My money is on who ever acts the blackest.
 1.
This Guy
Rise:
This guy rose the highest and fell the hardest. His real
name is Meyer Weindbaum. His rock and roll name?
Hercules Rock! He was the baddest, wildest, and most
successful rocker during the early 1980s. He had tons of
groupies all throwing themselves at him, and of course, he
couldn't resist the hundreds and hundreds of ladies. You
might also know him as the lead singer of the popular new age rock
band, Eating Babies. He left soon after the band hit it
big. He had a successful solo career that produced hits like
the rocking "Chainsaws A-Blazin'," the psychedelic
"Walrus Onion Red Bus Nude," and the soft love ballad
"Sex Penis of Love." By the early 90s, he retained his
title as the most popular and successful solo artist in the music
biz.
Fall:
After a tragic concert accident that involved a chicken, super
glue, a BB gun, and lots of alcohol, Hercules Rock had a nervous
breakdown. His mental instability made him a recluse; he
would only leave his mansion to pick up the newspaper or to buy
food from Subway. He attached himself to his computer and devolved
to playing Minesweeper and Solitaire the whole day. Needless
to say, he ballooned to a massive 512 lbs. and his music career
was over.
Where
are They Now? After finally going to therapy, Hercules Rock
has returned to his home studio to begin making music again.
He reunited with the original members of Eating Babies earlier
this year, and the band plans to release a new album sometime in
2002.
Go
out and buy those Eating Babies albums. They're awesome. My
favorites are the self-titled Eating Babies, the Red Album,
High Tech Baby, and L'Enfant Terrible. While
you're at it, go out and get the MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice
albums... so you can trash 'em.
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