Olympics
Fever! 10 Reasons Why the 2002 Olympics Were Great
By Disco
Stu - Editor in Chief : 03.09.02
The
Medals Have Chocolate in Them
The
2002 Salt Lake City Olympics seem like a distant
memory now, but to me, they were very memorable,
because it was the first winter Olympic games I truly
enjoyed. Normally, I don't watch the Olympics
simply because the sports, well, suck. Seeing
people go down a mountain or scored by flamboyant
judges simply was not appealing.
Nevertheless,
I started to watch it anyway since they were being
held in the United States this year. Imagine:
the best American athletes squaring off against
Russian defectors and Jamaican bobsledders. I'm
glad I watched, because now I can write this article.
10.
Russian Complaints
Why
It Was Great: Booze. Is there a word more
perfectly associated with Russia? Now, I'll
probably get a call from the Russians complaining that
the "Booze" remark was unwarranted.
Though America is often seen as the most litigious
nation in the world, Russia may have overtaken the USA
in asking for third party mediators and threatening
boycotts. In this Olympics alone, Russian pair
figure skaters were cast off as unworthy gold
medalists, were judged to be overly sensitive, argued
about hockey officiating, threatened to boycott the
games, and, to top it off, its medal numbers were
mediocre at best.
Man,
Russia, you're getting soft. I think you people
need to fight some Nazis again or something.
What
to Expect in 2006: Assuming that they show up for
the next one in Torino, Italy, expect the Russians to
hold a grudge, get drunk off their asses (with Vodka,
of course), organize an "athlete's union," and
call for a global Communist revolution. Joe Stalin
would be so proud (and then he would kill them).
9.
Odd Sports: Two-Man Luge, Curling, and Short Track
Speed Skating
Why
They Were Great: One of the great parts about the
Olympics this year was due to the large number of
American athletes, more obscure sports began to be
televised. Luge, curling, and short track speed
skating, for instance, received significant airtime On
NBC, as well as NBC's cable stations.
Curling
seems to be the most exciting sport ever
created. After all, the game involves
specialized brooms, a huge rock, ice, and
targets. What's not exciting about
that?
Likewise,
short track speed skating may be the most fucked up
sport ever created. Just ask Kim Dong Sung of
Korea who, after seemingly winning a gold medal in a
race, was disqualified because HE WENT IN FRONT OF
ANOTHER GUY. What the hell?? That's fun:
having to wait several minutes after the race ends to
see if you had legitimately won.
Finally,
there's the Two-Man Luge competition. This
sport, without a doubt, is the GAYEST ever
created. In involves a man lying on top of
another man (both, mind you, wearing skin tight luge
costumes) and racing down an icy track on a
hill. The race itself seems like a futuristic
gay porno film of some kind. Just look at the
picture below. Gayest. Sport. Ever.
What
to Expect in 2006: I assume curling will be as
exciting as ever (expect Canada or Great Britain to
come out on top), short track will be as fucked up as
ever, and the two-man luge will be even more gay.
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This
is what gay porn will look like in the future. |
8.
NBC's Heartwarming Athlete Profiles
Why
They Were Great: NBC ran these on many of the
athletes at the games to give the viewers a glimpse
into their lives. The point with these profiles
was to showcase the personalities of the athletes and
to show that they were more than just sports
personalities. They ran one on Apolo Ohno (Short
Track), who was raised alone by his dad and got into
trouble as a teen, but straightened himself out into a
Gold medal winner. My favorite athlete profile
was about Ukranian figure skater Jana Soloyev, whose
legs, underarms, and face were shaved by her mother
every morning for 6 hours so she could compete.
You can't help but get choked up.
What
to Expect in 2006: You'll get the music that makes
you cry and the stories that make you think once more
in 2006, but with a twist: full frontal nudity.
7.
Downhill Skiing
Why
It Was Great: Imagine that you're a skiier.
You start at the top of a mountain that goes up nearly
two and half miles, and you must zig-zag your way
around poles for the whole way down. The
mountain incline is a steep 75 degrees and you streak
down the 1.9 mile course in a little more than one
minute. You have a helmet to protect yourself
from dying. And, yes, shitting yourself is bad.
What
to Expect in 2006: More craziness--at faster
speeds--should be the norm at 2006.
6.
The Closing Ceremony
Why
It Was Great: So much better than the Opening
Ceremonies because it's so informal. Where else
can you lump together Willie Nelson, Donnie and Marie
Osmond, the Blue Man Group, and KISS, in a strangely
cohesive and appropriate venue?
What
to Expect in 2006: Well, judging from the fashion
show that the Italians put on in this year's
ceremonies, the Torino Ceremonies are gonna
suck. Big time.
 5.
Bob Costas
Why
He Was Great: Bob Costas was vintage this
year. He was the Olympic anchor again this year
and gave us, the audience, another glimpse into his
huge vocabulary and knowledge about past sporting
events. Of course, he also gave us some
memorable closing remarks that were purely Costas.
Who else, other than Bob, can find a use of the word
"smattering" in a conversation?
What
to Expect in 2006: Tough call on this one.
Costas' contract with NBC runs out this summer and it
is possible that he will move to another network,
possibly ESPN or ABC. Rest assured, though,
he'll still be allowed to remain the anchor for the
Olympics even if he leaves.
4.
Rick Reilly's Article About Finish Fourth (found in
Sports Illustrated)
Why
It Was Great: You must read it to find out why it
was great.
What
to Expect in 2004: I assume he'll write another
Olympics related article. It'll be witty, pithy,
funny, and appropriate.
 3.
Sasha Cohen
Why
She Was Great: Ah, Sasha. Even though she
didn't win a medal (she finished fourth), there was no
other girl like her. She has the cockiness and
arrogance only teenagers are allowed to have and she
certainly showed it on the skating rink. Other
reasons to like Sasha: she's hot, she's AMAZINGLY
flexible (her stretching techniques are mesmerizing),
and she's only 17! Sarah Hughes? Feh.
Michele Kwan? Ha! Give me Sasha Cohen any day.
What
to Expect in 2006: Since she's only 17, we get to
see Sasha as the likely favorite in the next winter
Olympics and possibly the Olympics after that
one. My pants can't wait. Uh, scratch that
last part.
 |
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| So
pretty... |
In a perfect world, every girl would be able to do this... |
 |
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| ... and this. |
Wow.
So flexible... |
 2.
Olympic Hockey
Why
It Was Great: I don't normally like NHL hockey
because it's borders on caveman-like actions, it's not
exciting, and I never understand what goes on.
Olympic hockey is much different. It's faster,
more fluid, and allows individual players to showcase
their talents. It pits the best against the best
and, this year, everyone was gunning for best team,
Team Canada. Unfortunately, general manager
Wayne Gretzky didn't take to kindly to the shots
directed at Canada and launched a sort of drunken and
frustrated diatribe in a press conference.
Here's some of the press conference that your local
news station couldn't air:
REPORTER:
Um, Wayne, do you think Kariya needs to step up for
the team to win next week?
GRETZKY:
Dammit, I didn't come to the Olympics, so that my team
could get harassed, eh? Maybe, when the Olympics are
Canada, we can make fun of the Americans, then,
eh? It's all American propaganda, you see, eh?
What has America ever done for the world of winter
sports, eh? Canada has done more: look at hockey,
curling, skiing, eh? God dammit, I don't need
this American shit, eh? I'm tired of it, eh?
What
to Expect in 2006: Hopefully, Gretzky will have
calmed down a bit when he gets to Italy.
 1.
Swiss Ski-Jumping Champion Simmon Ammann
Why
He Was Great: Man, I really love this guy.
He's freaking hilarious. Though English is
obviously not his native language, Simmon Ammann found it
strangely easy to communicate his thoughts.
After realizing he had won the ski jumping
competition, Ammann shouted "WHOIAYAHDOMDA...GOLDMADAL!!!"
So true.
What
to Expect in 2006: I hope we see him again because
you just don't know what will come out of his mouth.
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