Best
Weekend Update Anchors
By Disco
Stu - Editor in Chief : 07.31.01
It's
Saturday Night and I'm Feelin' All Right... uh, Again
In
case you missed the SNL first article, go read
it now and then read this one.
Done?
Good. I promised more SNL articles, so here
goes. This time, I'll rate the best Weekend
Update anchors.
Those
Who Won't Be Making the List
Definitely
not Brain Doyle Murray and Mary Gross, who hosted
SNL's news segment in 1981. Why doesn't this
team make it? Well, for starters, they weren't
funny. Second, it wasn't even called Weekend
Update when they hosted--it was called SNL News Break.
They hosted at a very bleak time in SNL's history (the
1980-1984 season, when Lorne Michaels didn't produce),
and it shows.
Actually,
everyone from the 1980-1984 won't be making this
list. Just listen to this list of anchors
spanning just 4 years and ask yourself if you've ever
heard of them since.
1980-1981:
Gail Matthius and Charles Rocket
1981-1982:
Brain Doyle Murray and Mary Gross
1982:
Christine Ebersole
1982-1984:
Brad Hall
1984-1985:
Christopher Guest (Remember him? He was in Spinal Tap)
Terrible.
Seven different anchors in 4 years. That says a
lot.
What
about anchors from other seasons you ask? Well,
Kevin Nealon and Colin Quinn aren't on the list.
Kevin Nealon came off as bland and boring during his
tenure as WU anchor (1991-1994), and was only bearable
when introducing Adam Sandler's Cajun Man and Opera
Man, or David Spade's Hollywood Minute. Colin
Quinn, meanwhile, was pretty overrated. He could
barely read the cue cards coherently and his timing
was awful. He took over after Norm MacDonald
anchored (a pretty tough act to follow), because an
NBC executive fired Norm for not being funny
enough. What??
On
to the Good Guys
Since
there haven't been 10 really good anchors to put on
the list, I'll just acknowledge the best ones in
order.
 5.
Chevy Chase (1975-1976)
Why
He's On The List: When he left SNL after the first
season, Chevy Chase was called the "next Johnny
Carson" largely due to his stint on Weekend
Update. Chase was of course not the next Johnny
Carson, but he got the ball rolling for other anchors
to follow. He's sort of Kevin Nealon-ish in his
delivery, but like I said, he started this whole
thing.
Sample
Line: "In a speech to the Athens, Georgia,
Chamber of Commerce, presidential contender George
Wallace said, "I don't judge a man by the color
of his skin. I judge him according to how well you can
see him in the dark when he smiles."
Sign-Off
Line: "Good night and have a pleasant
tomorrow."
 4.
Jane Curtin and Dan Akroyd (1977-1978)
Why
They're On The List: A year after Jane Curtin
hosted Weekend Update by herself, Lorne Michaels
paired her with Dan Akroyd. The result was the
first team of WU co-anchors. And lots of the
thing a like to call "humor." This was
the last time for a long time when the anchors didn't necessarily
write the majority of their material. Egos were
cast aside in favor of being funny. Just watch
the "Point/Counterpoint" segment where
Akroyd calls Curtin an "ignorant, misguided
slut."
Sample
Line: "Dodgers fan Miss Lillian Carter, this
week, told the Los Angeles Times that she doesn't like
ABC sportscaster Howard Cosell, saying "I don't
want him to die, but I wish they'd take him off the
air." Cosell, responding to the remarks of the
79-year-old Presidential Mother, reportedly said,
"I have no animosity toward Miss Lillian. And I
hope she lives to be 80."
Sign-Off
Line: "Good night and have a pleasant
tomorrow."
 3.
Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey (2000-Present)
Why
They're On The List: In just their first year as
co-anchors, Fallon and Fey are already one of the best
WU hosts ever. Their pairing is a throwback to
the late 1970s when there were co-anchors taking the
WU helm. They even use the same sign-off line as
70s anchors Chase, Curtin, Akroyd, and Murray.
This team took more chances than Colin Quinn and Kevin
Nealon and are a whole lot funnier.
Sample
Line: "Earlier this week, doctors in
Taiwan were called in to remove a Nokia cell phone
from a woman's rectum. Don't you hate those a-holes
who are always on the cell phone? Every time the phone
rings, she blames it on the dog! Quick review of the
new Nokia cell phone - it stinks!"
Sign-Off
Line: "Good night and have a pleasant
tomorrow."
 2.
Dennis Miller (1985-1991)
Why
He's On The List: Miller honed his special brand
of comedy as an anchor on Weekend Update. His
references weren't as archaic on SNL compared to his
HBO show, but still, he took lots of chances. He
really didn't care about getting in trouble and this
sort of rebelliousness helped to ease audiences back
to SNL after the 1980-1984 seasons.
Sample
Line: "Here's an update on that Amtrak
accident this week: Amtrak officials this time are
blaming a disgruntled employee who evidently painted
the opening of a tunnel on the side of a mountain. The
accused switchman, one William M. Coyote, is still
missing."
Sign-Off
Line: "That's the news and I am out of
here!"
 1.
Norm MacDonald (1994-1997)
Why
He's On The List: Ah, Norm. Always
sarcastic, cynical, and funny. He made his name
making fun of OJ Simpson, and making hilarious
references to Frank Stallone, Germans, and crack, yet
he was still fired! He remains the funniest WU
anchor ever.
Sample
Line: "In
a surprise move, O.J. Simpson has offered to give an
interview to CNN, with "absolutely no ground
rules". But interviewers Greta van Suster and Ann
Roger-Cossack have asked for one - "Dont kill
us!"
Sign-Off
Line: "And that's the way it is."
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