Balls
Galore! Sports in 2000
By Sideshow
Rob - Senior Editor : Issue 5, Vol. II
Well, after I look
back on it, 2000 had to be the year of the... of
the... um... hmm, no 60 HR hitters, a relatively
uneventful Olympics, constantly rising tickets...
I guess you could say that 2000 is the year of...
stuff! Yeah, stuff! I mean, it wasn't
all that bad, Shaq Daddy brought home a title to
his daddy with the Lakers, Lord's Stanley Cup
returned to the hellhole that is New Jersey, and
the U.S. whooped ass in Sydney. So lean
back in your chair, grab the calendar, and try to
remember...
The supermarket
stocker
Kurt Warner to
be exact. He started out throwing cans of
refried beans down the aisles, but eventually
moved up to replace injured starter Trent Green
on the St. Louis Rams, and against all odds (500:1
to be exact), he led the Rams to Super Bowl 2000
after one year at the helm. Warner then
dominates in the game, winning MVP for the game
after a 31-24 win over the Tennessee Titans and
MVP for the league. He celebrated by going
to the supermarket. He threw some beans.
Yum.
Doobie McSticky
At least that
should be his nickname after Boston Bruins
defenseman Marty McSorley took a huge whack at
Vancouver's Donald Brashear. The hit on
Brashear was so hideous that "Doobie
McSticky" was suspended for the year by the
NHL and charged in court with assault. He
denies that he meant to hurt Brashear, but we all
know Doobie ain't been quite right lately...
The end of 13
That's what
the city of Miami had to go through last March
when after 17 seasons, Dolphins QB Dan Marino, in
possession of almost every passing record known
to man, monkey, and oven mitt, retired. He
never did win the ring, but Marino still enjoyed
a great career, except for his last game, a 62-7
blowout... no, wait, a shellacking... no, not
quite... I got it, a "falafel-ing"!
He was falafeled by the Jacksonville
Jaguars. Mmm... falafel.... But don't
feel too bad for him, he got to be in Ace Ventura!...
and got kissed by a transvestite... um...
Pawn captures
Knight
Not so much a
pawn, but after a student was grabbed by Indiana
coach Bobby Knight for calling him "Knight"
instead of "Mr. Knight", the Knight in
shining armor was jousted right off his horse.
Indiana President Myles Brand admitted
afterwards that it would be hard to replace
Knight-light's "dedication to the game, his
mind for plays, and, well, his big-ass gut... I
mean, look at the guy! That sweater's just
waiting to burst!" RMN tried to seek
comment from the Knight-rider himself, but after
being hit with towels, chairs, and a few empty
Pringles can, decided to hastily leave.
Miller time
I think we all
needed a little alcohol to decipher the hyper-intelligent
ramblings of comedian Dennis Miller after he
joined the Monday Night Football team. He
fared reasonably well, limiting his cursing
significantly, replacing them with comparisons of
the Bears D to "the Dalai Lama's lava lamp
collection after watching two sumos attack a
cougar on Mount Kilimanjaro." RMN
declined to seek interview after finding a couple
of Millers and a bag of tortilla chips to watch
the game.
All aboard!
The headline
screamed on every newspaper in the country after
the New York Yankees finished off the Seattle
Mariners in six games, reaching the World Series
to take on their inner-city rivals in the form of
the New York Mets. People argue that the
series could have been better had there been no
interleague play. RMN contends that only a
barrel of monkeys released onto the field at Shea
Stadium could have made it better as every game
in the 5 game series was decided by 1 or 2 runs.
Eventually, the Yankees proved to be better
as they brought home their 26th World
Championship on the stellar play of MVP Derek
Jeter and a big game-winning hit by Luis Sojo.
Oh, plus the whole bat-throwing thing.
God, Clemens is a jerk... "Duh, I
thought it was the ball, I only meant to hit him
with a ball, not a bat!" That pompous
sash... I mean, um, well, uh, New York rules!
Yeah!
Does even the
Pope get this much?
That's what
people were asking after contracts were handed
out this offseason. $88.5 million to Mike Mussina, $121 million to Mike Hampton, $160
million to Manny Ramirez, and, brace yourself, $252
million from the Texas Rangers to Alex Rodriguez!
That could buy a hell of a lot! Like
the Texas Rangers! (Value: $250 million) I
mean, wow, if baseball officials were looking for
a reason to put a cap on contracts, this would be
it... plus all the demands A-Rod wanted, a
private suite, more advertisement that any
athlete in the state, three medium-sized
countries, several shrines built in his honor,
and a new locker with a color of... his choice!
Amazing what athletes want these days...
Yawn
Olympics?
Huh? Aw, you shoulda woken me up.
But a good year for the Stars and Stripes
as U.S. athletes brought home 97 medals, more
than anyone in the world. They originally
won only 83, good for only second, but after
showing Canadian officials a "bigger flashy-thing"
according to American correspondent Joe Fleischer,
they managed to lift the Canadian medals as well.
That'll show them... Big winners include
Marion Jones with 5 medals (3 gold), swimmer
Jenny Thompson winning her eighth gold medal, and,
miracle of miracles, the Dream Team. Go us!
But without a doubt, the best sports story of
2000 had to be...
Whack-y Tonya
Tonya Harding,
famous for her involvement in the Nancy Kerrigan
attack, was charged with fourth-degree domestic
violence assault after throwing a hubcap at her
boyfriend and repeatedly punching him in the face.
Sigh... this just makes me laugh every time
I hear it... he got beaten up by a girl...
|
